Public Display of Affection

Whiskey Dick, touted as the world's first bourbon-flavoured personal lubricant, is the latest unusual lube on the market. (Handout/EpicMealTime)

Forget bacon for breakfast and whisky at the bar. Bacon and whisky have a new place — in the bedroom.

I don’t know what’s up with the surge in new random flavours of personal lubricant coming out but somebody must be buying the stuff.

The latest lube landed in the form of a pitch in my email box on Thursday at 7:43 a.m.

“EpicMealTime is pleased to announce the launch of Whiskey Dick, the world’s first bourbon-flavored personal lubricant.  You’re welcome.”

I nearly spat my tea out. Who drops the D word before 8 a.m.?

They go on to say it’s the gold-standard of booze-flavoured massage oils, with claims it’s aged for four years in white oak casks for a “velvety-smooth” finish.

Well then!

Let’s pause for a moment. Is there actually alcohol in it? Wouldn’t that burn down there and pose a fire hazard? Maybe do a patch test first and avoid lighting those votive candles on the bedside table just in case.

As for Baconlube, it actually began as an April Fool’s prank but then customers demanded it to be made reality, according to the manufacturer J&D’s website. They even had more than 3,000 people on a waiting list for the stuff. (Who are these people?)

I had a sample sent over for a story I did a while back . I gotta admit I was pretty excited for the stuff to come in the mail, although a little awkward on my daily trips to the mail room to ask if my Baconlube arrived.

It caused quite a stir around the office when it came last December. Most people who smelled the oily fluid made a stink face and said it was awful.

The sniff test proved it definitely had a smoky bacony-scent. One brave soul even tasted it and liked it.

For the record, I didn’t *try* it. I’m somewhat adventurous in the bacon realm. I love bacon cookies, even chocolate dipped bacon.

I also love bacon and who doesn’t love sex, however the two should never be combined.

As my colleague, Steve Tilley pointed out, “That’s why brunch is so popular. People wake up, have sex and then go eat bacon!”

Amen.

There’s more people losing sleep than I thought!

According to a readers’ poll posted along with my story, originally published Thursday, May 3, nearly half of voters (394 people) say they’re bothered by their significant other’s snoring. Almost a quarter (192 people) said they’re sometimes bothered, while 27% (222 people) said they’re not.

Yep. We're a culture obsessed with celebrities and their fertilized embryos. (Fotolia)

They’re rich. They’re talented (sometimes) and when they get impregnated we want to know all about it.

Myself included.

I don’t know these Prada-clad celebrities and they don’t know me, but somehow I feverishly click on the link when I see something like “Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer expecting their first baby together” pop up on my Twitter feed.

OK, I’ll admit it. I even just read with interest about Taylor Hanson, now 28, having his fifth baby, and I haven’t even heard MMMBop for 10 years.

So what is this obsession all about? Well, not much of a shocker, but experts say broke people love to gawk at rich people.

“I think the fascination may be some combination of the thrill of following and idealizing the glamorous, uber-wealthy version of motherhood that is depicted in magazines mixed with the target demographic of some of these magazines—women in their 30s—being preoccupied with their own attempts and experiences with pregnancy,” Dara Greenwood, an assistant professor of psychology at New York State’s Vassar College, told Youbeauty.com.

Well, I’m 26 and definitely not preggers but still somehow the developing fetus in that A-lister is something I want to read about.

Baby bumps aside, I was actually sad when I found out Seal and Heidi Klum were calling it quits. I mean, of all the celebrity couples, they were the ones I thought would stay together forever and birth more cute kids.

Greenwood said the fascination with celebrities may be because we feel like we know them having followed them through their careers. Maybe that’s true?

At the office recently we were all looking at photos of Jessica Simpson looking like she’s about to give birth to triplets all the while stomping around in her sky high heels.

I’ve caught myself reading about Simpson’s pregnancy weight gain and checking in on her to see if she’s at a healthy weight, just like a nosy in-law. I guess it’s just so easy and addicting. Just Google Jessica Simpson and pregnancy and shoes are the first two things to pop up.

At the hairdresser, this behaviour goes into overdrive with women flipping through stacks of celebrity magazines while their hair colour sets and chatting about who might have a bun in the oven or who’s lost their post-baby weight.

“Oh, it’s such a guilty pleasure,” my hairdresser told me.

Indeed it is.

This preparing for puppy to arrive business feels a lot like we’re having a baby.

But rather than reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting, I’ve had my nose buried in Cesar Millan books.

My boyfriend and I went to a few pet stores to check out dog food, crates and leashes when I saw a photo of a smiley Labrador retriever wearing what looked like Huggies. That’s when I realized I was looking at a box of doggy diapers. Huh?

It doesn’t stop there. Since then I’ve spotted blue and pink pet strollers and doggy bassinets.

It really does seem like welcoming a puppy to the family is the closest thing to giving birth these days.

My boyfriend’s mom jokes with her friends and says she’s going to be a grandmother.

After all of the congratulations are given, she tells them her son is getting a bouncing Nova Scotia duck tolling retriever.

A friend of mine upon hearing the news congratulated us on our soon-to-arrive “fur baby.”

No phrase has made me shudder more.

I refuse to buy doggy doo-doo diapers, a stroller or a bassinet for the dog. Our dog will be just that, a dog. A dog that we’ll love to pieces and not treat like a human baby.

As Cesar Millan writes in How to Raise the Perfect Dog, “Although puppies may seem like wordless human beings to us, the truth is, puppies are dogs first.”

“By pampering our growing dogs as if they were helpless babies—carrying them like purses, indulging their every whim, allowing them the kinds of liberties we would never allow a growing child—we thwart their progress from the very start,” the Dog Whisperer writes.

We’ll just see if I can keep the baby talk and cheek pinching to a minimum when the puppy actually arrives!

Women may actually moan during sex because they're bored or late for work, according to a study. (Shutterstock)

Attention moaners:

I’m not talking about the porn stars paid to voice their pleasure on camera. That’s their job. I’m talking to the ladies who wake up the neighbours with their high-pitched oohs and aahs. Heavy panting so loud passersby wonder if they should call an ambulance.

I gotta ask. Is he really hurting you? Or are you just havin’ a real, real good time? Hell, maybe I’m a little jealous and it’s probably none of my business. But isn’t it a little much?

It reminds me of when I woke up to porn-esque noises from the hotel room next to me when I was in Thailand in January.

As I laid in bed with a pillow over my head — her continuous screams of pleasure only slightly muffled — I contemplated why she was being so obnoxious. Now there’s nothing wrong with a little morning nookie. But I don’t wanna hear some random couple doin’ it at 5 a.m. while I’m nursing a Singha hangover.

This wasn’t a one-off thing.

Another time I was waiting for the elevator to check out at Toronto’s Royal York Hotel when I heard loud moans from a room down the hall. I guess that’s what you call a high nooner.

Why do they feel the need to let the world know they’re doing the nasty? Is he that well-endowed?

Interestingly, these women may have been moaning for good reason. They might have been late for a flight or even bored.

In a U.K. study, about 66% of women said they moan to speed up their man’s climax due to discomfort or pain, boredom, fatigue or a lack of time.

Researchers found women who moan, breathe heavy and dirty talk while doing the deed likely isn’t because they’re getting off. They’re actually making sex noises to coax their partner into orgasm, according to a study from the University of Central Lancashire and the University of Leeds.

In the study with 71 straight women, ages 18 to 48, the researchers asked them when they made sounds while having sex.

The women said they were most likely to make sex noises more often before and while the man ejaculated. Not while they climaxed.

I’d hate to hear them when they’re actually getting off.

Guess I’d better get some earplugs.

All guys watch porn. (QMI Agency file photo)

Your boyfriend is lying to you.

He watches porn. Him and all his friends. Even his dad. All men watch porn.

Guys now have got it down to a modern day science.

1. Go to porn site

2. Go to history

3. Delete page

No paper trail except maybe the tissue crumpled up in the garbage. No need to venture out to the seedy part of town to rent porns at the adult video store. No need to go to the corner store and awkwardly place the latest Hustler on the cashier counter.

You may still be thinking, “No way, my guy doesn’t look at porn.”

Well I’m here to tell you, ladies, he does.

You’re out with the ladies for lunch. He’s at home in his sweatpants watching TV. He’s bored. The laptop’s sitting there with busty babes and blond bombshells just a click away. Free. Easily accessible. A countless variety and discreet.

Men have been watching porn for years. Since their best friend found their dad’s porn stash stuffed between the mattress.

Don’t believe me?

Ask the scientists from the University of Montreal.

Researchers attempted to do a study with men who had never watched porn.

One problem: They couldn’t find any.

Researchers then shifted gears and interviewed 20 straight post secondary males and found, on average, they first saw porn before they were 10 years old.

Single men were found to watch more porn (average of 40 minutes, three times a week) than committed men (average of 20 minutes nearly twice a week), according to the study released in 2009.

Ladies, don’t worry. Your man still loves you.

“Pornography hasn’t changed their perception of women or their relationship which they all want as harmonious and fulfilling as possible,” professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse said in a statement.

Breakups suck, but with the sweet taste of revenge they don't always have to. (Thinkstock.com)

Nobody likes breakups.

But what if you could have the last word?

A Facebook friend did just that recently when they posted this on their wall:

“Dear AMY, i knew you cheated on me for 2 weeks now and i still dated you, in those 2 weeks every time i have been at your house i wiped your toothbrush on my a——, eat s—… you’re dumped. (sic).”

If that’s not the best breakup revenge ever, I don’t know what is.

It reminds me a little of an Australian guy I met on my trip to Bali last month who told me he was on a holiday that was supposed to be his honeymoon.

He said he caught his best friend in bed with his fiancée whom he had dated for 12 years. Ouch.

After he called the wedding off, he decided he’d still go on the holiday — solo. He partied with lots of bikini-clad chicks all night, had a riot, and posted the pics on Facebook for her to see.

Good for him.

While those breakups taste of bitter sweet revenge, most breakup stories make ya wonder how the couple ever made it work.

So, in the spirit of not wanting to write some lame Valentine’s story, I thought I’d compile some breakup stories that’ll make ya laugh and say, suck it Cupid!

“My last boyfriend was a farm boy. Built, rugged, self-sufficient, and hot. But after I walked in on him peeing in my kitchen sink, it was over and I couldn’t wait to get out of that apartment.”

“Last year I got a phone call at 2 a.m. from a guy I was dating saying, ‘Babe, you awake? I need you to come bail me out of jail.’ For what, you say? Soliciting a prostitute! Not only did this dirt bag get caught in an undercover police sting, but he had the nerve to call me, the girl he was dating, to bail him out. Lets just say I will never forget the expression on his face when I showed up to bail him out of jail…WITH HIS MOM! (sic)”

Source: Funnybreakup.com

“My boyfriend was a serious mama’s boy who insisted on having dinner with his mom at least twice a week. During one of those dinners, his mom looked at me, took my hand and said, ‘We have to talk.’ I got really nervous and tried to catch my boyfriend’s eye, but he was just intently staring at his lap. She gently told me things weren’t working out between me and my boyfriend, and that she thought it was best for me to leave. I tried to convince my boyfriend to talk privately in the other room, but he wouldn’t respond. I couldn’t believe it—my pansy-ass boyfriend made his mom break up with me!” 

“My guy was away on a business trip for about a month, and we had been video chatting to stay in touch. One night I had my girlfriends over, and after a couple bottles of wine, we decided to Skype him. Our call connected, and I was about to tell him to say hi to my friends when he goes, ‘Bev, I’m sorry to do this over Skype, but I don’t want to put it off any longer. I think we should just be friends.’ I was in total shock, and my friends just sat there with their mouths hanging open. I mumbled okay and got off as quickly as possible-I was dumped in front of all my best friends!“

Source: Cosmopolitan.com

Do you pass gas in front of your partner? (Shutterstock)

To toot or not to toot?

That is the question.

The signs of a new, blossoming relationship: You talk for hours on the phone, spend a few evenings a week together laughing, falling in love, whispering sweet nothings, sharing your innermost feelings — everything but passing gas in front of each other.

The moment that this hidden rule is broken consider the romance lost. Gone. Thrown out the window. No longer do you look at your partner as that pure, sexy smelling, polite person you fell in love with.

Suddenly you’re too comfortable, the sweet nothings have turned into, “Oh, honey not tonight.” And not long after, the bathroom is no longer a private place, the door remains open when it should be closed… reminiscent of the scene from that movie The Change-Up when the chick on the toilet – door open – says,”Oh, I need to cool it on the Thai food.”

I know some couples who have dated for more than a year and neither dare to break wind in front of each other. It’s as if both of them were born without bowels. Even going number 2 is done so discretely, one waits until the other has gone to work for the day or until they can sneak off and use a public washroom.

It’s a common tactic.

One woman confesses she uses the restaurant next door to avoid using the bathroom when her guy’s at home.

She even went on a week-long vacation in Mexico without using the toilet, according to a blog on the topic at momlogic.com.

“Sure, I ended up with an awful case of constipation — but for me, it was worth it,” the woman said.

“Earlier in my relationship, I was horrified if my husband ever heard or smelled a fart escape, but after more than a decade of marriage, pretty much anything goes,” the woman confessed on the blog.

What’s your take on passing gas in front of your partner? Would you rather stub your toe than even think about breaking wind with your partner present?

Your cellphone may tell you about your love life, according to a new survey. (Shutterstock)

Have a crush on a co-worker?

You probably have an iPhone.

Prone to giving it up on the first date?

You may have an Android in your pocket.

A new survey provides a glimpse into the distinct love lives of iPhone, BlackBerry and Android users.

“The type of phone a person uses can be a window into their personality,” said Kimberly Moffit, relationship expert for Match.com, which requisitioned the Zoomerang survey.

“More so than zodiac signs or astrology, smart phones are the new way Canadian singles can decode their dating style and determine if they’ve met their match,” she said in a press release.

Androids appear to be the most promiscuous of the smart phone using variety – being the most likely to have sex on a first date – while BlackBerry owners are the booze hounds of the bunch.

So, I think the take home message is: if you don’t want your date to think you’re a drunken floozy, be smart and keep your smart phone out of sight.

Which phone do you (or your love interest) have?

iPhone: “The Office Romantic”

• iPhone addicts are the most likely to date someone in their workplace. Nearly a quarter of iPhone singles have had an office romance in the last five years.

• After a first date, iPhone users are most likely to wait one day to reach out, while Android or BlackBerry users will wait until after two or three dates.

Android: “The Seducer”

• Android users are most likely to have sex on a first date. Sixty-two per cent of Android singles say they’ve done the deed after date No. 1, compared to 57% of iPhone users and 48% of BlackBerry users.

• Out of all smart phone users, Android fans are most likely to have a one-night stand (55%).

• More than 70% of Android fans have visited an online dating site, compared to 58% of iPhone users and 50% of BlackBerry users.

BlackBerry: “The Drunk Dialer”

• BlackBerry users are most likely to drink alcohol on a first date – 72% will have a boozy beverage on a first night out.

• Sixty-seven per cent of BlackBerry users say they have experienced love at first sight.

More than 1,000 Canadians were surveyed online from Oct. 13 to 15, 2011.

My bed at the hotel in Phuket, Thailand. Big enough for two? Nah.

I now know why people travel alone.

Want to feast on squid and prawns at that seafood restaurant again? Go ahead.

Did you happen to stumble back to the hotel at 3 a.m. after too many cervezas and wanna sleep in until noon? No worries.

Life’s compressed when travelling with a spouse. You’re together 24/7, stressed in a foreign land with strange currency and culture, and tasked with deciding where to stay and what to do.

Having just returned from a three-week trip to Southeast Asia as a fifth-wheel, with two couples, I got to witness this spouses-travelling-together phenomenon.

At the airport in Phuket, Thailand, we saw a young European couple in a screaming match during which a travel companion whispered to me, “Oh my god. Is that what we look like?”

Needless to say, I was glad to go back to my own hotel room alone each night without a care in the world. And the super king bed to myself wasn’t anything to complain about either.

On the first leg of our trip, the group of us went on a 40-km mountain bike ride through some villages in Bali and stopped at a local family’s home for a tour.

One of the humble buildings on the property was a little one room house that’s used by the town for couples before they wed.

The pair, as part of their culture, must live in the home for three days before they marry, our tour guide, Poni, said with a smile.

It’s “try before you buy,” he said.

If only this was a tradition in Canada, I told him. Divorce rates would plunge.

In a sense, travelling with a spouse is kind of like this Balinese practice, sort of like a trial run of living together, and is a good indicator if the relationship will work.

I propose all engaged couples go on at least a two-week holiday before marriage and if they survive the trip  they’re given a license to tie the knot.

What do you think?

Sounds a little more exotic than getting holed up in a tiny shack for three days with no running water or HBO.

Bon voyage!