Archive for March, 2012

This preparing for puppy to arrive business feels a lot like we’re having a baby.

But rather than reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting, I’ve had my nose buried in Cesar Millan books.

My boyfriend and I went to a few pet stores to check out dog food, crates and leashes when I saw a photo of a smiley Labrador retriever wearing what looked like Huggies. That’s when I realized I was looking at a box of doggy diapers. Huh?

It doesn’t stop there. Since then I’ve spotted blue and pink pet strollers and doggy bassinets.

It really does seem like welcoming a puppy to the family is the closest thing to giving birth these days.

My boyfriend’s mom jokes with her friends and says she’s going to be a grandmother.

After all of the congratulations are given, she tells them her son is getting a bouncing Nova Scotia duck tolling retriever.

A friend of mine upon hearing the news congratulated us on our soon-to-arrive “fur baby.”

No phrase has made me shudder more.

I refuse to buy doggy doo-doo diapers, a stroller or a bassinet for the dog. Our dog will be just that, a dog. A dog that we’ll love to pieces and not treat like a human baby.

As Cesar Millan writes in How to Raise the Perfect Dog, “Although puppies may seem like wordless human beings to us, the truth is, puppies are dogs first.”

“By pampering our growing dogs as if they were helpless babies—carrying them like purses, indulging their every whim, allowing them the kinds of liberties we would never allow a growing child—we thwart their progress from the very start,” the Dog Whisperer writes.

We’ll just see if I can keep the baby talk and cheek pinching to a minimum when the puppy actually arrives!

Women may actually moan during sex because they're bored or late for work, according to a study. (Shutterstock)

Attention moaners:

I’m not talking about the porn stars paid to voice their pleasure on camera. That’s their job. I’m talking to the ladies who wake up the neighbours with their high-pitched oohs and aahs. Heavy panting so loud passersby wonder if they should call an ambulance.

I gotta ask. Is he really hurting you? Or are you just havin’ a real, real good time? Hell, maybe I’m a little jealous and it’s probably none of my business. But isn’t it a little much?

It reminds me of when I woke up to porn-esque noises from the hotel room next to me when I was in Thailand in January.

As I laid in bed with a pillow over my head — her continuous screams of pleasure only slightly muffled — I contemplated why she was being so obnoxious. Now there’s nothing wrong with a little morning nookie. But I don’t wanna hear some random couple doin’ it at 5 a.m. while I’m nursing a Singha hangover.

This wasn’t a one-off thing.

Another time I was waiting for the elevator to check out at Toronto’s Royal York Hotel when I heard loud moans from a room down the hall. I guess that’s what you call a high nooner.

Why do they feel the need to let the world know they’re doing the nasty? Is he that well-endowed?

Interestingly, these women may have been moaning for good reason. They might have been late for a flight or even bored.

In a U.K. study, about 66% of women said they moan to speed up their man’s climax due to discomfort or pain, boredom, fatigue or a lack of time.

Researchers found women who moan, breathe heavy and dirty talk while doing the deed likely isn’t because they’re getting off. They’re actually making sex noises to coax their partner into orgasm, according to a study from the University of Central Lancashire and the University of Leeds.

In the study with 71 straight women, ages 18 to 48, the researchers asked them when they made sounds while having sex.

The women said they were most likely to make sex noises more often before and while the man ejaculated. Not while they climaxed.

I’d hate to hear them when they’re actually getting off.

Guess I’d better get some earplugs.