Destroy your innocence and childhood memories by investing in a teddy bear that will go down on you.
Yeah, you read that right. There’s an Indiegogo campaign going on right now for a stuffed bear that performs cunnilingus – sort of. The product is called Teddy Love, “the bear that loves back” as the tagline states.
“Have you ever seen someone walking through an airport, in a restaurant, or through a place of business with a large adult toy visibly protruding from a handbag or briefcase?” Teddy Love inventor CEO Dawn Harmon asks in the above video.
Um no, not really… I guess I don’t get out enough.
But thankfully for those who regularly carry vibrators and Fleshlights on their person, Teddy Love doesn’t look like anything other than toy bear (albeit one doing the Bronx cheer) as Harmon demonstrates by displaying the sex toy among a group of other stuffed animals on a bed.
So great… You won’t look like creep with some pervy sexual fetish when you’re going through airport security, you’ll just look like someone’s whose development was arrested at age 12.
“Sir, why are you carrying a stuffed bear with you?”
“Uh… it’s a present for my daughter.”
“Why is it buzzing?”
“Um, it’s… a Tickle Me Elmo knockoff…”
“Sir… Please come with me…”
Of course, I’m not the target market for this product, despite Harmon’s claim “Teddy Love can be used on men too.”
The sex toy has a 10-speed motor that is controlled by the ears. The right ear turns it on and off and the left ear switches between the five variable and five fixed speeds.
As for the Indiegogo campaign, there are several perks available, starting US$20 for a tank top. (Though you need to add $25 for international shipping if you’re not in the U.S.) Other perks include a tote bag, a DVD on how to use sex toys and, of course, the Teddy Love itself.
If you’re fast enough you can sign up for a Teddy Love from the first production phase for $60 (which is a deal since it is supposed to retail for $79.95.) Of course, once again, this only covers shipping in the U.S. so you will either have to pay for the extra shipping costs to Canada yourself.
And if one bear isn’t enough for you, you can donate $449 to get the party pack:
“The ultimate ladies night-out party/pack. Includes four (4) Teddy Love bears, 4 DVD’s, 4 Tank Tops and 4 totes. This package is great for bachelorette parties, wedding parties, or that special girls night out. Shipping is included.”
Now exactly why and how you’d use Teddy Love on that “special girls night out” I’m not sure I want to know… (even though part of me feels the need to add old Internet response of “pics or it didn’t happen.”)
However, at this time, it seems unlikely Teddy Love will manage to go into full-scale production. The campaign began on June 16 and as I write this has only raised $133 of its rather high $50,000 goal. Granted, the campaign runs until Aug. 15 so anything can happen.
And it is a flexible funding campaign, meaning it will receive all of the money donated even if it doesn’t reach its goal. And, theoretically, the company would still honour the perks.