Grant Rants

Archive for April 10th, 2012

Alas poor Tim Hortons Day 1: Grant Smash edition

- April 10th, 2012

coffee-hulk-morning-coffee-demotivational-poster-1242490343

This might be uncharitable, but right now one of my fellow journalists has a voice that sounds like an angry hornet in my ear. It is unpleasant. If it doesn’t stop, there is a very real chance I might turn large, green and all ragey (with a cameo by Stan Lee, of course.)

Of course, I might be exaggerating. Maybe. It’s not quiet 10 am, and I have not had my daily fix of Tim Horton’s double-double.  I might be feeling some….effects. I have put this lovely elixir of life aside for a few weeks because arts reporter Angela Scappatura said I couldn’t. Today is day one.

I’ll make it. Oh I will. But if I destroy the city in the process, blame her. GRANT SMASH!

 

I get email: God needs a sponsor

- April 10th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

So by now I am used to getting email from religionists who are hell bent, if you will excuse the phrase, on converting me. Mostly Christians. On very rare occasions Muslims. Never Jews or Buddhists though. Weird that.

Anyway, I am actually not sure what religion this email is supposed to represent. ChristIslam or something I guess. It’s an email asking me to sponsor “God Allah” (which technically speaking would translate to “god god”. But never mind the fine details.) for the resurrection. So I guess this is like a walk-a-thon of some kind? You sponsor god, and for ever $5 he raises he resurrects a Hebrew carpenter? Well, you tell me then!thestupiditburns

Also it appears that god will just take anyone to be sponsor him. It’s been a while since I have been in Sunday school, but I distinctly remember the big fella being somewhat more discerning about who he choose to as someone to smite or be a minion. And of course, as always, it appears god needs money. Like the late George Carlin used to say, he’s all powerful and all knowing but he just cannot handle money!

Finally, since when did god get an email address? What happened to the burning bush method of communication? Who’s his service provider? I assume he is using wireless tech. Not sure how one extends a coaxial cable into the afterlife…

Anyway, this certainly goes  in my file of “most bizarre and nonsensical emails that do not involve a politician or Glee.” Enjoy:

Official Third Millennium Arrival of GOD ALLAH
**********************************
Allah wants to partner with you for the purpose of saving planet Earth.
Allah wants to locate sponsors for The Resurrection.
All applicants automatically accepted ; however, We require more sponsors which may include business, organizations, communities, and groups.
Please do reach out to Us over email; We respond within twenty-four hours or sooner. Thank you for your review.
Love,
ALLAH