Grant Rants

Archive for the ‘General’ Category

The stupid it burns: anti-vampireism and bald as a hair colour edition

- May 14th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

Ok, I have some ranty mojo brewing today and I’m in need of a target. Fortunately, the world is a big place with more stupid than it is possible to catalog, and it was easy enough to find one. Just up the highway in fact. In Toronto, that mythical center of the known universe.

Specifically, a column by rabbi Dow Marmur, who evidently doesn’t like us heathens very much.  The problem with we atheists, he says in a meandering column in the Toronto Star, is that we are pretty much like jihadists:

I’ve, therefore, consistently refused to engage in debates with atheists. They may consider me a cowardly man of little faith who’s afraid of exposing himself to the truth, but impartial observers will know that contemporary atheists are often even more fanatical than religious fundamentalists. Their zeal seems to know no bounds.

Interesting. Last time I checked, the most fanatical religious fundamentalists in North America try to have their dogmatic nonsense taught in science classes and are obsessed with telling women what they can do with their bodies, including a hilarious Republican bill that passed recently in Arizona that defined pregnancy as starting two weeks before conception. (no, that is not a punch line.) In even more extreme cases in North America, Europe, and of course, the middle east, the fundamentalist set is busy killing other people, often using that delightful method employed by the truly deluded, suicide bombing.

Atheists write books and blogs.thestupiditburns Oh, the horror, the horror.

He Marmur points to Alian de Botton’s weird newish book Religion for Atheists, where in de Botton says he wants to build atheist temples, as some manner of evidence that atheism itself is becoming a religion (which is why we are worse than the worst religious fundamentalists….you know without the bombs and such) and in fact, heathens have “religion-envy.”

Ok, look, first de Botton strange book was greeted with disinterest by the atheist community, such as it even exists, and the most anyone could say about it was “uh, what?”

It’s true, there are atheists who seem to want to ape the group cohesion provided by most religions, but it’s an attitude I’ve always found puzzling. It’s why I don’t belong to any skeptic/atheist/humanist groups nor go to regular meetings. I don’t have any need to get together with people to talk about what I don’t believe in. I tend to, this rant notwithstanding, focus my commentary in his regard on attempts to breach the wall between church and state, or religious attempts to undermine basic freedoms like freedom of speech, or attempts to win converts by stealth (like the ongoing efforts of the Gideons to be given access to elementary public school children.) But sit around and talk about why I don’t believe in the existence of gods? Zzzzzz. Please. I’d almost rather watch Glee.

Marmur’s entire argument crumbles because it starts with a false premise. He treats atheism as though it’s a thing like Christianity or Scientology or Jedism something. The tacit assumption he makes is that atheism is a complete philosophical entity, with dogmas, and rules and holy books and, I would guess, priests or clerics or some sort that one obeys. And uses this argument as he defends the excesses and violence of religion:

Because religion is articulated and administered by human beings, it often falls short of its stated ideals — just like atheism.

Really? Really, Rabbi Marmur? And what ideals are those exactly? Where do I find them? Where, in the name of Zeus’ holy toga, do I find the “stated ideals” of atheism?

Look man, atheism is barely a thing at all. All atheism is just not believing in a god or gods. Period. QED. End of frakkin’ story. The only reason we have a name for it at all is because historically everyone around us has been totally hell bent for leather on this whole god business.

I mean, even the name “atheism” is pretty stupid because it dignifies the thing that it denies. Look, I don’t believe in vampires or big foot either, right? But there is no need to run about calling myself am “anosferatuist,” or an “asasquatchist,” is there. The bottom line is that atheism is a religion like bald is a hair colour. The “ism” at the end makes it all sound fancy, I guess, but it isn’t.

I pretty well agree with Neil deGrasse Tyson on this front when he says “at the end of the day I’d rather not be any category at all.”

Even the so called “atheist community” is a disjointed lot that is only bound by the disbelief in the supernatural and generally shared respect for science, evidence and reason. There is also some broad agreements on the values of democracy, freedom of speech and the like. Beyond that, it is pretty well, to use the cliche, like herding cats. Disagreements abound. Yes, Hitchens, Dawkins, Dennet, Harris, PZ Myers and a few others are the most public and well known of the so called “New Atheists” (which is only new by the authors refusal to shut up when told.) but they constantly disagree. Tyson and Dawkins’s disagree over how to talk about science and religion in popular culture. Myers recently took Harris to task over issues of racial profiling at airports. And I’ve lost track of how many non-believers were sharply critical of Hitchen’s views on the Iraq war.

But I am sure Marmur will tell us where in that mess there are the “ideals” of atheism. Or is that the sound of cricket’s chipping?

About the only thing that Marmur gets right is that religion allows people to form a community of believers and atheism doesn’t do this. Well, yes. So what? De Botton’s goofy book aside, how is that supposed to an argument against atheism, or put more correctly, for religion? Does it demonstrate the existence of a god? Because that is what it would take, son. That pesky thing call evidence sort of matters.

Ultimately, Marmur’s entire argument seems to boil down to the idea that religion makes you feel good, and atheism doesn’t. I suppose that could be right. Atheism provides no guidebook, no bromide of any sort. Attempts to make it do so are as foolish as attempting to grasp quicksilver. To me, not having that kind of crutch is freeing. Yes, life can be miserable. It can suck. It will, as Rocky says. “beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently  if you let it.”

Speaking only for myself, I would rather harden myself to deal with it than rely on help that isn’t there because it makes me feel good to believe there is. I would rather deal with life as it is, honestly, and be miserable than to cling to some manner of false hope. If atheism is a thing at all, it’s living life on your own terms, taking the awful and the good as they come.

Mental health and suicide

- May 8th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

Last week I wrote a story and a column about the death of David McIntrye, a 15-year-old from Smithville. In short, David was unable to find the help he and his parents desperately tried to get for him. He fell through the cracks for reasons that have yet to be made public, and while his parents scrambled to find him help, David killed himself.

I’ve been floored by the willingness of readers to come forward and share their stories since the first story on David’s case was published, both in our comment’s sections and in private phone calls and emails. The issue is clearly one that can no longer linger in the shadows.

Today, the Mental Health Commission of Canada will officially release its national strategy to improve our mental health system. I hope you continue to chime on the issue when we publish stories on the strategy. The more people take part in the discussion, the greater the chance that things will change and help the next David McIntyre that comes along.

So watch the Standard’s website later today.

Finally, one thing that is making me go a little ranty. For reasons that I don’t fully understand we talk about mental health as though it is something different from “physical health.” Maybe because mental health cannot be seen the way a broken leg can. I don’t know. But the fact is that a mental illness is a manifestation of activity in the brain, which is as physical as your arm or leg. It would be nice if we could stop referring to mental illness as though it is something that comes out of the ether instead of a physical problem that needs to be regarded as such. Maybe, just maybe, if we did, some of the stigma surrounding mental health would fade.

A funny thing happened on the way to Tim Hortons

- May 7th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

I apologize for the lateness of this post, but I’ve been a wee bit busy of late and when that happens, my blog suffers neglect. And it gets bitter. Oh, but it does.

Anyhoo, you may recall I had been engaged in a wager with fellow reporter Angela Scappatura. In short, my dear friend believed I could not go three weeks without my daily fix of Tim Horton’s double-double. (By daily, I mean, three or four times  a day really.) Other coffee was fine, which several readers suggested meant the bet was right silly. But they did not understand what Angela did – my addiction to the double-double was epic in a Godzilla-just-ate-Tokyo kinda epic.

However, I made it through the shivers, shakes, and the heebie-jeebies of withdrawal, hardly drinking coffee at all during that period, and survived the three weeks and she now owes me lunch. Shazam! Victory is mine.

But there has been an unexpected side effect to my three week vacation from Tim Hortons – my addiction appears to be broken. Specifically, while I don’t hate Timmy’s Double Double and will likely drink one, say, today at some point, I find it no longer has the hold upon me that it once did. The after taste is also not all that appealing. It’s like my palate has….evolved….well that or I am still suffering withdrawal.

Living on sunshine: When the burning stupid kills

- April 26th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens and the rest of you!

There is burning stupid we can mock, and then there is the kind of atomic burning stupid that you really would mock if its results were not so tragic.

Take this story coming out of Switzerland, by way of a for instance. A woman in her 50s starved to death because she decided to stop eating and drinking and was living instead on sunlight…you know, like her blood wasn’t made of hemoglobin but chlorophyll. Why did she think that this would work? Because she watched some moronic film about a Indian guru who claims to have lived without food or water for 70 years.thestupiditburns

No, this was not a story from the Onion. It was real. This woman died because of a fanatical belief in a (painfully obvious) fraud. The human body is an amazing thing. It can adapt to all kinds of stressful situations. People have gone without food during fasts for 20 days or more. (although you can bet they were not in great health by the end of it.) But that cannot last for long. And you cut water out of the equation and well, that time frame gets reduced from weeks to days at best.  In short, no one lives long without fuel. Certainly we cannot live on sunlight. Cause you know, we aren’t plants. And even plants need water.

The poor woman died.  Wasn’t there anyone around, friends or family to look out for her? Wasn’t there a neighbour or something who said “Hey, Alice from 3b is looking a little on the crypt keeper side of things lately, huh? Maybe we should check on her?”

I am honestly not sure what is more pathetic about this story: That someone could be so taken in by obvious hokum that they died, or it seems that no one was around to notice she was wasn’t eating and was wasting away.

Alas, Poor Tim Hortons: Day 7,043

- April 18th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

I had hoped, dear reader of the Rant, that by now I would be able to say I did not miss by beloved Tim Horton’s double double. That after more than a week after going cold turkey, I would be fine. That the other brands and types of coffee I’ve been drinking would tide me over. Maybe, even, I would leave Timmies behind.

What a bunch of burning stupid. Ok, I have barely had any coffee in the last week because, frankly, other coffee doesn’t cut it. Yes, it’s good. Sometimes very good. Perhaps by any measure, better than Tim Horton ghetto brew. But it is missing that something….that je ne sais pas. My morning routine is a wreck. I don’t have the shakes anymore, but still. I’m going a little nuts here.

I’m weakening….

In the inverse Law of Bill Donohue

- April 13th, 2012

There is a universal fact. Like gravity. Or the awesomeness of Mass Effect 3. (yes, yes some fanboys are having mental melt downs about the endings, but I figure they have been indoctrinated. If you don’t get that joke, go play the game! Seriously…go!)

Essentially, if Bill Donohue’s Catholic League in the United States hates something, it’s probably something worth checking out. His most recent explosion of hot hair is about the Three Stooges remake. There are lots of reasons to be offended by this remake. Remaking the Stooges is like remaking Casablanca. Sure you can do it, but there isn’t a single reason for it. The trailer for the thing looks Zeus awful and pretty well indicates the Stooges, classic though they were, were indeed products of their own time. I can easily think of a bazillion things I would rather do than see it. And yes, bazillion is a word.

However, this is not what upsets the always upset Bill Donohue, the grand pooba of the Catholic League. What upsets him is that a nun in the film appears in a bikini, aka the “nun-kini.” I guess Billy is upset because nuns cannot wear bikinis. It says so in the Bible or something, maybe. This the same guy who attacks films, books and other art if it offends his porcelain sensibilities in the slightest. This is the same guy who claimed that Hollywood was run by, and I quote: “secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It’s not a secret, OK? And I’m not afraid to say it.” (He said that in defense of the ghastly “Passion of the Christ” film.  So bikinis on film bad. Two hours of watching a guy get graphically tortured, that’s ok. Just sayin’)

Anyway, in keeping with the Inverse Law of Donohue, and although it will likely injure my brain, I’ll have to check out the movie.

Alas, poor Tim Hortons: Day 2: “The cheaper the coffee, the gaudier the patter,” edition.

- April 11th, 2012

Greetings zealots, and heathens and…how does the rest go?….web people or something or other?…oh forget it…

MalteseSam3

Sam Spade didn't need no Tim Hortons....

So, 48 hours without my Tim Horton’s double-double have past. I finally broke down and got a coffee from another coffee joint. I will not name the place, since I love their tomato bisque, and I am sure there is nothing wrong with their coffee, but it just wasn’t right. The taste is all wrong. Or maybe Tim’s put some manner of heroin in their coffee. I don’t know. But the replacement tasted all blah.

It’s like the hero in noir fiction, right? He is in love with a woman, cannot be with her, so he has these relationships with other women, but they never work out because, ultimately they don’t measure up to the true love….or something. I was totally going somewhere with this… Oh right, the half-baked metaphor I was going for there is that non-Tim Horton’s coffee is the other women. Which would make me Sam Spade or something? I think I have confused myself with my own metaphor….

Alas poor Tim Hortons Day 1: Grant Smash edition

- April 10th, 2012

coffee-hulk-morning-coffee-demotivational-poster-1242490343

This might be uncharitable, but right now one of my fellow journalists has a voice that sounds like an angry hornet in my ear. It is unpleasant. If it doesn’t stop, there is a very real chance I might turn large, green and all ragey (with a cameo by Stan Lee, of course.)

Of course, I might be exaggerating. Maybe. It’s not quiet 10 am, and I have not had my daily fix of Tim Horton’s double-double.  I might be feeling some….effects. I have put this lovely elixir of life aside for a few weeks because arts reporter Angela Scappatura said I couldn’t. Today is day one.

I’ll make it. Oh I will. But if I destroy the city in the process, blame her. GRANT SMASH!

 

I get email: God needs a sponsor

- April 10th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

So by now I am used to getting email from religionists who are hell bent, if you will excuse the phrase, on converting me. Mostly Christians. On very rare occasions Muslims. Never Jews or Buddhists though. Weird that.

Anyway, I am actually not sure what religion this email is supposed to represent. ChristIslam or something I guess. It’s an email asking me to sponsor “God Allah” (which technically speaking would translate to “god god”. But never mind the fine details.) for the resurrection. So I guess this is like a walk-a-thon of some kind? You sponsor god, and for ever $5 he raises he resurrects a Hebrew carpenter? Well, you tell me then!thestupiditburns

Also it appears that god will just take anyone to be sponsor him. It’s been a while since I have been in Sunday school, but I distinctly remember the big fella being somewhat more discerning about who he choose to as someone to smite or be a minion. And of course, as always, it appears god needs money. Like the late George Carlin used to say, he’s all powerful and all knowing but he just cannot handle money!

Finally, since when did god get an email address? What happened to the burning bush method of communication? Who’s his service provider? I assume he is using wireless tech. Not sure how one extends a coaxial cable into the afterlife…

Anyway, this certainly goes  in my file of “most bizarre and nonsensical emails that do not involve a politician or Glee.” Enjoy:

Official Third Millennium Arrival of GOD ALLAH
**********************************
Allah wants to partner with you for the purpose of saving planet Earth.
Allah wants to locate sponsors for The Resurrection.
All applicants automatically accepted ; however, We require more sponsors which may include business, organizations, communities, and groups.
Please do reach out to Us over email; We respond within twenty-four hours or sooner. Thank you for your review.
Love,
ALLAH

Alas poor Tim Horton, I knew him Horatio….

- April 9th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

So there I was in the Hawaiian airport, grumpy as all get out because I had never been to Hawaii but couldn’t explore because I had to wait for my connecting flight and, besides, there was a bloody monsoon outside.

I was, oh, 17 or so. On a trip with my high school music program. On our way to the Land Down Under, you see. But you trap a bunch of bored teenagers in an airport for several hours….stuff happens.

There was a McDonalds. We ordered. And soon, for reasons that escape my memory, we started to try and figure out other uses for the sauces that come with Chicken McNuggets. Someone suggested the sauce could be slurped through a straw. I mocked. By way of reply, someone dared me to do it, suggesting I was “yellow” if I didn’t.

Unfortunately, I have more than a little Marty McFly in me. No one calls me yellow, and I don’t turn down a dare.

Needless to say, the horrifying sensation of sucking up sweet n’ sour McDonald’s sauce through a straw still gives me nightmares. Brrrr. Do not try that a home, kiddies.

The reason I regale you with this tale of my misspent youth is because today a gauntlet was thrown. With considerably more class and panache than was the case in Hawaii all those years ago. But still, it was thrown. Oh but it was.

I am, you could say, an addict. To Tim Horton’s coffee. I luuuurve it. It is the staff of life. Ambrosia from the caffeine gods. The drink that launched a thousand ships. I have scarcely gone a day without my beloved double double in more than a decade. I could not even give it up during training camp for my last boxing match back in October, even though the heavy dose of fattening cream did my training diet no bloody good. The double double is to me what Vicodin is to Greg House.

Anyway, today the paper’s arts reporter Angela Scappatura, our resident Lex Lutherian evil genius, knowing of my long standing addiction to the glorious, and oh the delicious, double double, suggested I could not give it up. Sure, said she, I could manage some other type of coffee now and again. But give up Timmies? The source of all my powers?

“Doubtful.”

Sounds like a dare to me. And my inner Marty McFly roared. Well, actually he didn’t roar. He just said “heavy.” But that is way less melodramatic. I guess I could have said my inner Marty McFly played a bitchin’ version of Johnny B. Goode, but that wouldn’t make much sense would it? Or he could have nearly roar, shouting “Doc!”. Hmmm, wait…where was I? I was totally going some place with this….

Right, so, never one to back down from a challenge, implied or otherwise, I now embark on three weeks Tim Horton’s free. No more double double. For certain, there is other coffee out there to keep my fix going, right? It all tastes the same right? No worries at all, right?

RIGHT?