Grant Rants

Archive for the ‘Glee is evil’ Category

The stupid it burns: anti-vampireism and bald as a hair colour edition

- May 14th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

Ok, I have some ranty mojo brewing today and I’m in need of a target. Fortunately, the world is a big place with more stupid than it is possible to catalog, and it was easy enough to find one. Just up the highway in fact. In Toronto, that mythical center of the known universe.

Specifically, a column by rabbi Dow Marmur, who evidently doesn’t like us heathens very much.  The problem with we atheists, he says in a meandering column in the Toronto Star, is that we are pretty much like jihadists:

I’ve, therefore, consistently refused to engage in debates with atheists. They may consider me a cowardly man of little faith who’s afraid of exposing himself to the truth, but impartial observers will know that contemporary atheists are often even more fanatical than religious fundamentalists. Their zeal seems to know no bounds.

Interesting. Last time I checked, the most fanatical religious fundamentalists in North America try to have their dogmatic nonsense taught in science classes and are obsessed with telling women what they can do with their bodies, including a hilarious Republican bill that passed recently in Arizona that defined pregnancy as starting two weeks before conception. (no, that is not a punch line.) In even more extreme cases in North America, Europe, and of course, the middle east, the fundamentalist set is busy killing other people, often using that delightful method employed by the truly deluded, suicide bombing.

Atheists write books and blogs.thestupiditburns Oh, the horror, the horror.

He Marmur points to Alian de Botton’s weird newish book Religion for Atheists, where in de Botton says he wants to build atheist temples, as some manner of evidence that atheism itself is becoming a religion (which is why we are worse than the worst religious fundamentalists….you know without the bombs and such) and in fact, heathens have “religion-envy.”

Ok, look, first de Botton strange book was greeted with disinterest by the atheist community, such as it even exists, and the most anyone could say about it was “uh, what?”

It’s true, there are atheists who seem to want to ape the group cohesion provided by most religions, but it’s an attitude I’ve always found puzzling. It’s why I don’t belong to any skeptic/atheist/humanist groups nor go to regular meetings. I don’t have any need to get together with people to talk about what I don’t believe in. I tend to, this rant notwithstanding, focus my commentary in his regard on attempts to breach the wall between church and state, or religious attempts to undermine basic freedoms like freedom of speech, or attempts to win converts by stealth (like the ongoing efforts of the Gideons to be given access to elementary public school children.) But sit around and talk about why I don’t believe in the existence of gods? Zzzzzz. Please. I’d almost rather watch Glee.

Marmur’s entire argument crumbles because it starts with a false premise. He treats atheism as though it’s a thing like Christianity or Scientology or Jedism something. The tacit assumption he makes is that atheism is a complete philosophical entity, with dogmas, and rules and holy books and, I would guess, priests or clerics or some sort that one obeys. And uses this argument as he defends the excesses and violence of religion:

Because religion is articulated and administered by human beings, it often falls short of its stated ideals — just like atheism.

Really? Really, Rabbi Marmur? And what ideals are those exactly? Where do I find them? Where, in the name of Zeus’ holy toga, do I find the “stated ideals” of atheism?

Look man, atheism is barely a thing at all. All atheism is just not believing in a god or gods. Period. QED. End of frakkin’ story. The only reason we have a name for it at all is because historically everyone around us has been totally hell bent for leather on this whole god business.

I mean, even the name “atheism” is pretty stupid because it dignifies the thing that it denies. Look, I don’t believe in vampires or big foot either, right? But there is no need to run about calling myself am “anosferatuist,” or an “asasquatchist,” is there. The bottom line is that atheism is a religion like bald is a hair colour. The “ism” at the end makes it all sound fancy, I guess, but it isn’t.

I pretty well agree with Neil deGrasse Tyson on this front when he says “at the end of the day I’d rather not be any category at all.”

Even the so called “atheist community” is a disjointed lot that is only bound by the disbelief in the supernatural and generally shared respect for science, evidence and reason. There is also some broad agreements on the values of democracy, freedom of speech and the like. Beyond that, it is pretty well, to use the cliche, like herding cats. Disagreements abound. Yes, Hitchens, Dawkins, Dennet, Harris, PZ Myers and a few others are the most public and well known of the so called “New Atheists” (which is only new by the authors refusal to shut up when told.) but they constantly disagree. Tyson and Dawkins’s disagree over how to talk about science and religion in popular culture. Myers recently took Harris to task over issues of racial profiling at airports. And I’ve lost track of how many non-believers were sharply critical of Hitchen’s views on the Iraq war.

But I am sure Marmur will tell us where in that mess there are the “ideals” of atheism. Or is that the sound of cricket’s chipping?

About the only thing that Marmur gets right is that religion allows people to form a community of believers and atheism doesn’t do this. Well, yes. So what? De Botton’s goofy book aside, how is that supposed to an argument against atheism, or put more correctly, for religion? Does it demonstrate the existence of a god? Because that is what it would take, son. That pesky thing call evidence sort of matters.

Ultimately, Marmur’s entire argument seems to boil down to the idea that religion makes you feel good, and atheism doesn’t. I suppose that could be right. Atheism provides no guidebook, no bromide of any sort. Attempts to make it do so are as foolish as attempting to grasp quicksilver. To me, not having that kind of crutch is freeing. Yes, life can be miserable. It can suck. It will, as Rocky says. “beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently  if you let it.”

Speaking only for myself, I would rather harden myself to deal with it than rely on help that isn’t there because it makes me feel good to believe there is. I would rather deal with life as it is, honestly, and be miserable than to cling to some manner of false hope. If atheism is a thing at all, it’s living life on your own terms, taking the awful and the good as they come.

I get email: God needs a sponsor

- April 10th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

So by now I am used to getting email from religionists who are hell bent, if you will excuse the phrase, on converting me. Mostly Christians. On very rare occasions Muslims. Never Jews or Buddhists though. Weird that.

Anyway, I am actually not sure what religion this email is supposed to represent. ChristIslam or something I guess. It’s an email asking me to sponsor “God Allah” (which technically speaking would translate to “god god”. But never mind the fine details.) for the resurrection. So I guess this is like a walk-a-thon of some kind? You sponsor god, and for ever $5 he raises he resurrects a Hebrew carpenter? Well, you tell me then!thestupiditburns

Also it appears that god will just take anyone to be sponsor him. It’s been a while since I have been in Sunday school, but I distinctly remember the big fella being somewhat more discerning about who he choose to as someone to smite or be a minion. And of course, as always, it appears god needs money. Like the late George Carlin used to say, he’s all powerful and all knowing but he just cannot handle money!

Finally, since when did god get an email address? What happened to the burning bush method of communication? Who’s his service provider? I assume he is using wireless tech. Not sure how one extends a coaxial cable into the afterlife…

Anyway, this certainly goes  in my file of “most bizarre and nonsensical emails that do not involve a politician or Glee.” Enjoy:

Official Third Millennium Arrival of GOD ALLAH
**********************************
Allah wants to partner with you for the purpose of saving planet Earth.
Allah wants to locate sponsors for The Resurrection.
All applicants automatically accepted ; however, We require more sponsors which may include business, organizations, communities, and groups.
Please do reach out to Us over email; We respond within twenty-four hours or sooner. Thank you for your review.
Love,
ALLAH

Sorry, busy fighting the Reapers. You’re welcome, galaxy.

- March 12th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

Saving the galaxy, one planet at a time. You're weclome.

Saving the galaxy, one planet at a time. You're weclome.

I know this blog is usually the place where I can vent spleen about robocalls, religion, religious robocalls and Glee.  Or maybe religions that robocall about Glee. And I would like to do that right now, I really, really would.

Thing is, Mass Effect 3 has recently been released. Which pretty well means my regular life is now consumed defending you, citizens of the Citadel, from the Reaper invasion. It will be harder for me to  blog for a bit, as I travel about of the galaxy cementing alliances to defeat the horrible mechanical menace. And before you think I am being silly, why don’t you try and get the Korgan and the Turians to get along. I mean, really! I don’t see YOU volunteering to do it.

I also realize only a small number of you may actually know what in the name of Harbinger’s metal tentacles I am talking about. But I don’t care. BECAUSE MASS EFFECT IS AWESOME!!!!!

Thursday hodgepodge: new website and big boxing bouts that just aren’t.

- February 23rd, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

Ok so first things first, my pretties: the Standard FINALLY has a revamped webpage.  The  face life and redesign that should make it easier and more fun to read the stories of your favorite local reporters – like devilishly handsome writers  with Quebecois names who hail from Alberta perhaps? Anyway, since you are here you know the link, but just in case, check out www.stcatharinesstandard.ca and let us know what you think.

Now, onto other stuff bouncing around in my head. I don’t watch a lot of sports. Honestly, most of it bores me. Not as much as Glee, but close. Something like the Superbowl, to me, is like having some kind of anesthetizing agent injected directly into my brain. The one exception to the rule is boxing, the best sport here is. You could argue with me on this point, and you would be wrong. (Golf fans: don’t even bother making a case for your game. Walking about a manicured lawn knocking a wee ball into a hole with clubs someone else carries for you lacks not only drama, but a pulse. Twain was right. Golf is a pleasant walk spoiled. Go hang out with the guys who like lawn darts and televised poker.)

However, I have to despair a little about the big fights coming up soon, because they just aren’t. Big I mean. They are approximations of big. Yes, Manny Pacquiao will make a gazillion dollars fighting Tim Bradley in June and Floyd Mayweather will make probably more fighting the always game Miguel Cotto in May. But THE fight is Pacquaio vs. Mayweather. We all know it. And it just never seems to come together for reasons what would be the subject for another day.

So, what will the upcoming fights look like? Prediction time:

Mayweather vs. Cotto: Mayweather by clear decision.

Look, yes Cotto has looked great since Pacquiao beat the unholy hell of him a few years ago. And his demolition of the hated Antonio Margarito was impressive. And yes, he is bigger and stronger than Mayweather. But don’t buy into the hype. Cotto’s only chance to blast Mayweather with something huge to hurt or knock him out QED. A puncher’s chance.

Watch Cotto’s fights. He will stand and brawl if he has to, but his style is to step back, let you come forward and catch you coming in. He is not a counter puncher, al la Mayweather or Marquez – the two best counter punchers in the game today – but he uses his step back and fire style to set his opponent up. And it’s worked very well for him. But Mayweather isn’t going to chase Cotto. He isn’t going to hunt him down. He is going to step back himself, force Cotto to come forward and counter punch him to death – like he does everyone else. Look at Cotto’s fight against Pacquiao. Pacman didn’t need to bull rush him. He made Cotto come forward, and Cotto got caught up in the Pacman buzzsaw.

Mayweather will not likely knock Cotto out, he doesn’t have the power or sustained attack to put down a guy like like that, but he will out point him easily over 12 rounds.

Manny Pacquaio vs. Tim Bradley: TKO by round 9

Forget how Pacquaio looked against Marquez. Marquez is a counter puncher – the one style Manny simply cannot cope well with. (which is why should he ever fight Mayweather, Pacman has to be the underdog by a wide margin). Any fighter who stands with Pacquiao, or come forward, gets mulched. They walked into a blizzard of punches that come from weird angles and – provided Pacman has figured out his leg cramping problem which plagued him and slowed him down in his last two fights – he isn’t there to be hit much.

Bradley is a very very good fighter. Would ruin me inside a few rounds. But he is a straight ahead, come forward puncher. Tailor made for Manny Pacquiao. So unless Bradley suddenly developed new skills, or Pacquiao really is a force in serious decline as his critics say, it’s going to be an easy night for the Pacman. Bradley will learn a painful lesson about allowing himself to be used as cannon fodder.

I get feedback: the gay conspiracy agenda edition

- January 30th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

So it seems my last column has touched more than  few nerves, given by the piles of emails that hit my inbox over the weekend. No surprise really, given that I was poking Ontario Catholic educators in the eye for their “alternative” to gay-straight alliances in their schools in recent guidelines that create “respecting differences” groups for students that do none of the things gay-straight alliances do.

Essentially, I have hard time accepting all the talk of respect and dignity in recent Catholic school guidelines that turn to the Catholic Catechism as it’s foundational document — a catechism which regards homosexuality as being fundamentally depraved. This cannot, I wrote in the Grant Rant, either respect and help gay students, nor will it do much to prevent bullying.

Well, I suppose it was inevitable that someone would try to defend these guidelines. And it was equally inevitable that gay bashing would be part of it. To whit, I offer this bit of feed back to the column for a reader who goes by the handle “thatsallfolks”:

Typical left-wing, religion-bashing distortion. LaFleche is trying to restate Catholic beliefs by accusing Catholics of labeling homosexuals depraved when their teaching clearly reveals that it is “homosexual acts” which are “distorted” and “depraved”. There is a BIG difference between the sin and the sinner. Christianity commands us to love the latter and hate the former.

Wonder when Mr. Grant will do a piece on the inappropriate homosexual indoctrination which is occurring in the youngest grades of our PUBLIC school system via a cloaked anti-bullying curriculum? Can’t we just have generic “bullying” education REGARDLESS of race, sex, and gender? Funny I can’t recall anyone reaching out to the obese, the less than beautiful, or the “four eyes” population like myself?

Oh where to begin?

First, he is technically correct when he says the Catechism describes homosexual “acts” as fundamentally depraved and disordered. And this becomes the first line of defense for this kind of discrimination. You know, the whole “love the sinner, hate the sin” stuff.

First, it’s a fairly absurd precept to being with. It’s a bit like saying “oh well love Darth Vader, but hate Death Star.” I mean, what?

More important for our discussion here, however, is to point out that people are what they do. To say that is fine and dandy to be gay so long as you never have an actual relationship with another gay person is like saying “oh it’s ok for that animal to be a bird, so long as it doesn’t fly.”

Ultimately, it’s just a cover. A po’ duck game of semantics that is used to try and defend a point of view that is fundamentally unfair, unrealistic, outdated and discriminatory. Attempting to the draw the line between gay people and gay sex is a meaningless distinction.

But Mr. Thatsallfolks and a few others readers — not many, mind you, but enough to get my attention — go a step further than this Through the Looking Glass rationalization. I am referring of course to talk of the evil gay agenda bent on turning school children to a legion of homosexuals who will, from what I can gather, destroy the world. Or at least join the cast of Glee or something. Well, you tell me! It’s like these bozos think that gay people gather together in secret meetings and plot the take over the world, one child at a time, until there isn’t a straight person left. It’s never made even a little bit of sense.

The talk of “homosexual indoctrination” and the “gay agenda” is exactly the consequence of the kind of policy the Catholic Church is trying to enact in Ontario’s (public funded) Catholic schools. Once you point to a segment of the population and say “oh THOSE people are screwed up” which is what the church does, it becomes easy to define them as a “them” against you “us.” And of course “them” are always bad, always up to do something to undermine the “us”. I mean, if you listen to all the talk of the gay agenda and replace “gay” with “Jewish” you have something that resembles the paranoid rhetoric from Germany circa 1939.

So I will say it once: there is gay agenda bent on destroying school children in the same way there is Bigfoot, the Lochness Monster, UFOs, a good James Bond movie before the Daniel Craig version and sugar coated happy endings for all us. IT DOESN’T EXIST!

(On the other hand, there is an identifiable Catholic “agenda”. The entire outfit exists to spread the faith by converting, well, everyone. There aren’t gay churches designed to turn straight people gay, are there? So…just sayin’.)

The bottom line here is that that is being established in Ontario’s Catholic schools with public tax dollars is institutionalized discrimination, and that is something that needs to be very carefully looked at.

The Burning Stupid: Mock the Pope edition.

- January 10th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

I know I haven’t been been blogging much lately. There was the pre-holiday crazy, the during-the-holiday madness, the post-holiday blues, the post-post-holiday blues hangover,  and House MD marathon.

So I sat down this morning and figured it was time to return to the blog. What, but oh what, could I write about?

Turns out I didn’t have to look that far. After about three second of looking through Google news, I hit upon this fun story about the Pope claiming the future of humanity was in danger. What, you may ask, could threaten us as a species? Mecha Godzilla? The cast of Glee taking over the world? Zombie-robot apocalypse?

All good ideas, dear reader, but no. The thing that threatens our very existence on the planet is….dun dun duuun! GAY MARRIAGE.

Seriously. Pope Benedict is claiming that gay marriage is a threat to the species:

The pope made some of his strongest comments against gay marriage in a new year address to the diplomatic corps accredited to the Vatican in which he touched on some economic and social issues facing the world today.
He told diplomats from nearly 180 countries that the education of children needed proper “settings” and that “pride of place goes to the family, based on the marriage of a man and a woman.”
“This is not a simple social convention, but rather the fundamental cell of every society. Consequently, policies which undermine the family threaten human dignity and the future of humanity itself,” he said.

Let that little bit of burning stupid bounce around in you skull a bit. If it makes any sense to you at all, let me know.

I mean, there are things that could potentially threaten the future of humanity, like say the planet getting hit with a giant asteroid. Or the proliferation of nuclear weapons. Or our continued and careless misuse of our natural resources. Or the scarcity of clean water. Or growing global economic inequity. Theocratic governments with powerful weapons. Evolved bacteria resistant to our medications.

But the Cardinal of Rome has precious little to say about any of that. No, no, no. The real problem is two men, or two women, living together and getting the same tax breaks as a straight couple. Ooooh scary.thestupiditburns

When, by Odin, will this anti-gay marriage claptrap end. WHEN? Cause I have to tell you Popey, and the rest of the bigoted “gay marriage is s threat to everything” crowd, you don’t have an argument. You don’t even have something that smells vaguely like an argument. Calling this line of reasoning an argument is like looking at a gold brick and saying that it’s Saturn.

I have yet to hear an argument against gay marriage that made any sort of sense whatsoever. “My holy book says so,” isn’t an argument. If you are not gay, and don’t want to marry a gay person, you don’t have to! But to claim that civilization, nay, humanity itself, is threatened because of gay marriage is akin to Walter Ostanek opening for AC/DC. It’s INSANE. How does gay marriage threaten the future of humanity? Well, according to the Pope, it just does. QED.

Ugh. I need a bottle of aspirin here.

Yes, I know, you are going to claim, Mr. Pope, that you are just following what’s in the Bible, and if it is in the Bible, it totally cannot be bigoted right? I mean, it makes no sense that bronze aged texts written by people who whose sum total knowledge about the universe was nearly zero might contain unethical and immoral pronouncements about people who didn’t fit their social norms, right? Human moral and ethical reasoning could not have possibly grown and evolved over the last 2,000 years of civilization. That is just crazy talk, isn’t it?

Look, hiding behind ancient texts, and claiming those texts are the infallible word of a god no less, to attempt to strip people of their civil liberties and demonize doesn’t make them less cruel, less out of touch, less useless or less harmful. It’s just feeble reasoning that has no basis in anything other than old hates. That is all Ratzinger is doing. Keeping hateful ancient, narrow minded, memes alive.

(Oh and if anyone tries to say “hate the sin, love the sinner”, I might punch you. Or at least mock you until you weep.)

He doesn’t deserve respect because of his title. Nor because of group of gruesome old celibates voted him to be their leader. Nor because he presumes to tell the world what they should do in their private moments. Nor because he has the gall to try to tell democratically elected governments how best serve their citizens. His status as a “holy man” shouldn’t protect him from criticism.

So long as the Pope and his followers choose to demean and attack people whose only “crime” is choosing to commit to someone they love, he deserves nothing but barbed mockery until he decides to catch up with the rest of us who live in the 21st century.

The radioactive super-stupid: American pizzas become a vegetable

- November 17th, 2011

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

Once, I thought the phrase “The stupid, it burns,” was sufficient to capture a level of idiocy that tends to penetrate society. Politics, religion, Glee…it all seemed to be captured in those four magical words.

Alas, I was wrong.

See, I have now encountered a stupid that more than just burns. This is not ordinary stupid. This stupid is so stupid that “stupid” is a stupid word to use to describe it. It is worse than burning. It’s like direct exposure to nuclear waste that doesn’t bake you right away, but slowly kills you one piece at a time over several years.thestupiditburns

I refer to perhaps the most ridiculous decision ever made in the United States by its federal government. It’s ridiculous enough to make the Rick Perrys and the Sarah Palins of the universe seem like Mensa members.

According to the United States federal government, the seat of the democracy in the free world, a pizza is now a vegetable.

Now look, I will accept all manner of silly when it comes to food. For instance, I used to sometimes tell my vegetarian friends that I too was a veghead. To which they said, “Shut up and don’t eat with your mouth full of steak.” To which I said (between bites to be polite)  “Cows eat grass. Grass is a vegetable. I eat the cow. Ergo, I am a vegetarian.” What normally followed the launching of tofu at my head while I ran away cackling like the Joker.

But there does a come point when faced with the radioactive super-stupid, that that it ceases to be funny because it actually kills important brain cells.

So according to Congress, pizza can be sold as a healthy alternative in public schools because – and if you have an asthma inhaler, this is the part where you will want to get it out – is contains tomato sauce. Somehow, the bread, grease, meat, and whatever else is on there doesn’t count. The tomato sauce is what seals the deal.

Ok, so the first thing here is that A TOMATO IS A FRUIT! It’s not even a vegetable! IT’S JUST NOT! You cannot say four plus four equals nine because you like the symmetry of having two letter Ns in  a word.

I mean, how far gone do you have to be? That is like watching a deer get shot by a hunter and claiming the deer committed suicide. Or like saying the Sun goes around the Earth. Or like saying classic Battlestar Galactica is better than the re imagined Battlestar Galatica. Or that the Moebius Silver Surfer is better than than the Kirby Silver Surfer. OR THAT A TOMATO IS A VEGETABLE!

A tomato is a fruit. Like an orange. Or the stuff in the heads of the lawmakers who made this decision.

This doesn’t even touch the idea that a food stuff made up of several food groups gets reduced to the label “vegetable”. That is a tad like looking at the Winter Olympics and saying it’s a curling tournament.

This makes such little sense that I can feel myself getting dumber contemplating it. What’s the rationale? The food group pyramid is triangle shaped and pizza is often cut into the shape of triangles….so….well YOU explain it then!

Sorry, but if I continue down this road much longer, I might give myself a stroke. Uck.

Election update: Godzilla for Premier! RWWWAR!

- September 16th, 2011

I have a thought.

We’re hip deep in the Ontario election now and if there is one thing we can say for sure, it’s that none of the party leaders are really winning the hearts or minds of voters. I suspect that this is mostly due to the public becoming numb to the same old, same old when it comes to electioneering. Same promises, same attack ads, same everything.

So far, the election has been a rather hum-drum affair. What we need is  a candidate to shake things up, to present new and exciting policies and just find a new way to do politics.

Therefore we should elect Godzilla to run Ontario.  Not the “Godzilla” from that horrible 1998 remake. I’m talkin’ the real deal. The guy who ate Tokyo and sent Mothra packing. (A big butterfly against Godzilla? I mean, please…)

Now, I know that sounds maybe just a tad insane, right? Technically, Godzilla is a Japanese citizen which would disqualify him from running here. But, in an application of the the Liberal’s policy of assisting immigrants by giving employers tax credits, I think we can manage this. We, the voting public, hire Godzilla and then we, the voting public, get a tax break. Problem solved.

Now, I know there are other giant monsters we could elect but, upon reflection, they are poor candidates. King Kong has that whole kidnapping charge to deal with, the Staypuffed Marshmallow Man lost the religious vote when he stepped on that church in New York, and Jaws is just soft on crime.

Where would Godzilla stand on issues of public policy? Well, his health care plan would be totally outside the box thinking, which is what our health care system needs. Basically, because people flee in the face of Godzilla (often screaming “Gaika, Gaika!!!!”), these people become more fit. All that running and jumping over things and avoiding blasts of radioactive fire inevitably will create the fittest population in Canada. (Ok, true, there will undoubtedly be a few losses. The slow, the weak and fans of Glee will likely be eaten by our premier. We can chalk that up to “hard choices”, like tax cuts. ) Having such a fit population will reduce health care costs. It would likely also result Ontario athletes being over-represented on our Olympic track and field teams, and lead to more gold medals.

godzilla

Godzilla's jobs policy in action!

Godzilla’s jobs policy is also impressive. When he is not making origami (come on, those little hands have to be good for something!) Godzilla is often found destroying infrastructure. There are many roads, bridges and public works in Ontario in need of repair or replacement. So Godzilla is saving the province and municipalities money by destroying these things himself. Jobs will be created to rebuild them and, lets face it, the new infrastructure will have to be strong enough to withstand future Godzilla attacks, giving Ontario the best roads, bridges and public buildings on earth.

I’d go on, but I think you get the point. If we’re bored by the current leaders of political parties, vote Godzilla. It’s no stranger than any other choice you could make .

Election Update: I get election swag (made in China)!

- September 14th, 2011

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens and the rest of you!

One of the joys of working an election as a reporter is navigating the unending attempts by politicians to get reporters to tell their story, their way. Endless campaign office openings, photo-ops, press releases that always have a tag line making the other guys sound like the spawn of Glee. My poor inbox sags under the burden of the political spam that marks the season.

But until now, it’s never escalated beyond that. But today the Liberals have decide to up their game, yo. Today, they sent me swag.

IMG_1415

Liberal election swag! Take that other parties!

Well, by “swag” I mean unbelievably cheap stuff mostly made in China.

Today, contained in a lovely black sack (made in Canada to fair), we received the following:

- One Liberal Party press release, crumpled. It says their platform “is the product of deep reflection and thoughtful planning…please find enclosed some memorabilia just for you from the Ontario Liberal Party.” Wow! Just for ME! Or whosoever opened the bag first, I guess. Which turned out to be city editor Monique Beech, to whom to package was addressed. Way to make me feel wanted Liberal Party. I have feelings too you know.

- One USB drive, containing Liberal Party platform. Also good for storing a small collection of hilarious Grant Rant hate mail so I can save space on my computer’s hard drive.

- One white plastic coffee mug, dusty, made in China. Dust, likely from an asbestos mine, appears to have developed slightly creepy symbiotic relationship with the mug. Uncertain if it can be cleaned with anything less than high doses of radiation.

- One pen, black ink, with Liberal slogan “Forward. Together.” Unsure why the slogan is in two, one word sentences. Figure “Forward together” or “Forward, together” or even “Moving forward together” or “We promise not to screw you over,” could have also worked.

- One ridiculously small black baseball hat, made in China, threads coming loose on seam of brim. I guess this for the reporter with a politically active 10 year old. Or really tiny reporters visiting Ontario from Lilliput.

- One “folding metallic water bottle”. For the thirsty reporter on the go, in need of some, ah, “refreshment”, after reading landslide of political press releases. Origin unknown. It oddly has no “made in” label any place on it. So since a folding metallic water bottle sounds slightly sci-fi or fantasy, I’m going to say it was made in Narnia. Well….prove that it wasn’t!

All of this makes me wonder if we’ll get care packages from the other campaigns.  While I try to avoid crystal ball gazing, I’m hoping we might see the following in media swag kits from the other parties:

Progressive Conservatives: Ball and chain to be used for a news room chain gang.  Would be nice break from whips and tasers. Also press release blasting Liberals for sending out swag made in China instead of stuff made in Ontario…meaning the kit is otherwise empty because no one in North America makes any swag anymore.

The NDP: Life sized posters of Jack Layton (probably could have those made in Canada some place) with the “love is better than hate” quote printed on it. Also a Layton bobble head doll and post cards saying “Ontario NDP: Not run by Jack, but we’re close. Really. Seriously, same colour and everything!”

The Greens: An environmentally friendly sack containing the party platform printed on recycled paper, detailing how they are not just an eco-party. Budget constraints mean only five will ever be printed.

The stupid, it burns: converting the heathens edition

- July 26th, 2011

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens and the rest of you!

There are some things that one has to accept, if not particularly like, as a “public” atheist. That is to say, someone who talks about atheism in a public forum – even someone with a modest audience like myself – just has to accept some things unavoidable. Near that top of that list are attempts by believers to convert you.

Nearly every month, at least one brave soul (if you’ll excuse the phrase) sends me an email or letter trying to convert me to their version of Christianity. (I’ve never had a Muslim or Jewish or Scientology believer send me a letter, oddly, even though I’ve taken aim at all of those religions.)

What is staggering about it all is that each and ever letter writer seems to think they have come up with some new argument that I’ve never heard before. These run the gambit between the plain burning stupid (“You have a Jesus shaped hole in your heart” No I don’t) to the ignorant (“you are just rebelling against god!” No I’m not) to the somewhat sophisticated (“have you considered the cosmological argument?” Yes I have.)

Of course, I have not heard a new and convincing reason to become a religious believer in more than 20 years. I’ve heard it all. I’ve considered it all. None of it matters. In fact most atheists who think about these things have heard all these arguments multiple times, from multiple people.

That they don’t hold water with us because of their complete inability to demonstrate the truth of faith claims doesn’t seem to stop anyone though. This article from the National Catholic Register was emailed to me on Monday. In it,  Jennifer Fulwiler claims that she has five Catholic arguments that will “make sense” to atheists and thus, turn us in to good little Catholics. The person who sent it to me really thought Fulwiler had “slammed dunked” atheism…

To say she falls flat on her face on the first “argument” is an understatement. You know, like saying that Glee is an abomination. Sure, that’s accurate, but it just never seems to go far enough.

The first argument that will make sense to me as an atheist lead me to the doors of the Vatican? Purgatory.

For those who did not have the happy-joy-joy experience of going to Catholic school like I did and are unfamiliar with the concept, purgatory is basically like god’s waiting room. After you die, if you were not that a godly a person but not enough of a schmuck to get sent to the basement to toast marshmallows,  you get sent to the waiting room. Like a time out. You wait for a couple of eons and then you get to heaven. Basically it’s like waiting to update your driver’s license at the MTO. You’d eventually get to the front of the line, it will just seem to take several life times.

Of course, the idea of purgatory has been part of one of the greatest con-jobs in history – the Catholic indulgence. In the middle ages the Vatican had a cash flow problem, so cooked up this idea to sell certificates called indulgences that were, in effect, get out of purgatory free card. The more you spent, the more time you’d get off your postmortem sentence in limbo. Really it was the predecessor today’s miracle cure, snake oil salesmen and faith healers, and the practice was one of the things that really irritated Martin Luther, whose criticisms of the Vatican kicked off the Reformation.

Anyway, getting back to the matter at hand, I have to point out the irony of a Catholic trying to convince an atheist to become a believer by referencing a belief in a supernatural waiting room. So for those of you who think this woman is on to something and will try to use this line of crazy “reasoning” let me explain to you a couple things that might help.thestupiditburns

So an atheist doesn’t believe a god or gods exist, right? I mean, that is what being an atheist IS. So if I don’t believe god exists, why would someone blathering on about limbo convince me of anything? It’s like when believers try to convince me by claiming the devil is going to get me. Again, if I don’t think your god exists, why oh why would you think that I’m going to be frightened by your boogie man in red pajamas?

Tip to Miss Fulwiler – NONE of your five arguments make sense to an atheist. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. You can talk all you want about a loving sky god, or the communion of saints or the pope’s fashion sense or whatever. None of it going to get you anyplace with an atheist unless you can first do one thing: demonstrate with evidence that your faith claims regarding the existence of god are true. QED. If you cannot do that, you aren’t getting any place with the heathen.

The Blonde Nonbeliever blog has a pretty good break down of what these conversations are like from the point of view of, well, a nonbeliever. Worth a read.