Grant Rants

Alas poor Tim Horton, I knew him Horatio….

- April 9th, 2012

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

So there I was in the Hawaiian airport, grumpy as all get out because I had never been to Hawaii but couldn’t explore because I had to wait for my connecting flight and, besides, there was a bloody monsoon outside.

I was, oh, 17 or so. On a trip with my high school music program. On our way to the Land Down Under, you see. But you trap a bunch of bored teenagers in an airport for several hours….stuff happens.

There was a McDonalds. We ordered. And soon, for reasons that escape my memory, we started to try and figure out other uses for the sauces that come with Chicken McNuggets. Someone suggested the sauce could be slurped through a straw. I mocked. By way of reply, someone dared me to do it, suggesting I was “yellow” if I didn’t.

Unfortunately, I have more than a little Marty McFly in me. No one calls me yellow, and I don’t turn down a dare.

Needless to say, the horrifying sensation of sucking up sweet n’ sour McDonald’s sauce through a straw still gives me nightmares. Brrrr. Do not try that a home, kiddies.

The reason I regale you with this tale of my misspent youth is because today a gauntlet was thrown. With considerably more class and panache than was the case in Hawaii all those years ago. But still, it was thrown. Oh but it was.

I am, you could say, an addict. To Tim Horton’s coffee. I luuuurve it. It is the staff of life. Ambrosia from the caffeine gods. The drink that launched a thousand ships. I have scarcely gone a day without my beloved double double in more than a decade. I could not even give it up during training camp for my last boxing match back in October, even though the heavy dose of fattening cream did my training diet no bloody good. The double double is to me what Vicodin is to Greg House.

Anyway, today the paper’s arts reporter Angela Scappatura, our resident Lex Lutherian evil genius, knowing of my long standing addiction to the glorious, and oh the delicious, double double, suggested I could not give it up. Sure, said she, I could manage some other type of coffee now and again. But give up Timmies? The source of all my powers?

“Doubtful.”

Sounds like a dare to me. And my inner Marty McFly roared. Well, actually he didn’t roar. He just said “heavy.” But that is way less melodramatic. I guess I could have said my inner Marty McFly played a bitchin’ version of Johnny B. Goode, but that wouldn’t make much sense would it? Or he could have nearly roar, shouting “Doc!”. Hmmm, wait…where was I? I was totally going some place with this….

Right, so, never one to back down from a challenge, implied or otherwise, I now embark on three weeks Tim Horton’s free. No more double double. For certain, there is other coffee out there to keep my fix going, right? It all tastes the same right? No worries at all, right?

RIGHT?

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1 comment

  1. Cuir says:

    Well written post. People should read this.

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