Grant Rants

Jupiter is a badass. Like Shaft in space.

- September 12th, 2012

Greetings web denizens, heathens, zealots and the rest of you!

What a friend we have in Jupiter.  You know Zeus Jupiter? King of the gods, wielder of the lightning, womanizer to end all womanizers and general purveyor of badassry? You know, this guy:

Zeus

Well, ok. Not exactly. I am actually referring the largest planet in the solar system:

jupiter

Not a womanizer and it doesn’t smite mortals with bolts of lightning, but Jupiter is still a badass. See, because of a lucky twist of fate, this massive ball of gas is so big — I’m talking at least a few times larger than a double Big Mac – that is sucks up all kind of space debris that would otherwise slam into Earth. Like comets, meteors, derelict Reapers. Essentially we get to worry a whole lot less about having an asteroid harsh our day because the big guy is always on duty.

Case in point, On Monday, something big hit Jupiter and the resulting explosion was caught on film by an amateur astronomer who happened to watching the planet that night. Not as big as some of the objects we’ve see hit the planet, but big enough that it would have resulted in a bad hair day on Earth for a lot of people.

Essentially Jupiter acts as a kind of galactic shield for us. Its gravitational influence is so huge, that a lot of stuff that might otherwise slam into us and, you know, kill everything, never gets close.

So tonight, look up into the sky and give thanks to Jupes. He’s always got our back and never asks for anything in return. Swell guy.

PS. It always annoyed me, though, that the planet got named Jupiter instead of Zeus. Jupiter is just the Roman name for the Greek king of the gods, Zeus, which just has a more impressive sound to it. Say it. “Zeus.” oooh gave you chills didn’t it?

Categories: News

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3 comments

  1. J says:

    Does grant stop at nothing to get womanizing and rape into unrelated articles ?

    • grant.lafleche says:

      If you know your mythology, “J”, you’d know that Zeus (Jupiter if you’re Roman) was constantly getting into trouble because of his frequent dalliances with mortal women. His wife got so annoyed by it she tried to kill one of the children that resulted from Zeus’ adultry (Herakles) and even caused her to try and overthrow him as the king of Olympus.

      In anycase, this is short piece about the amazing nature of our universe, and rape isn’t mentioned. Although by your comment, I am going to assume you are one of those who objected to my recent column on the “Don’t Be That Guy” campaign.

  2. David Norbot says:

    If we had Zeus instead of Jupiter, then we wouldn’t have Mercury, Venus, Mars, Saturn, Neptune, and Pluto.

    We’d have Hermes, Aphrodite, Ares, Cronus, Posideon, and Hades.

    Or would Hades count anymore…?

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