Archive for July 14th, 2012

U-S-A, U-S-A … um, C-H-I-N-A … um, F-R-A-N-C-E

- July 14th, 2012

USA-Olympic-Uniform

So Ralph Lauren and the U.S. Olympic Committee are in big doo-doo over the fact that Team USA will be wearing made-in-China uniforms for the opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympic Games in London.

Really. How stupid could they be? Didn’t this just have “Kick Me” written all over it?

The uniforms even have “Made in China” labels, for gosh sakes. The entire U.S. Olympic Committee and Ralph Lauren designer squad should be sent to a forced labour camp in China for a few months in penance.

Of course, before Ralph Lauren took over, the Team USA uniforms were produced by Roots, that all-Canadian company founded by a couple of Americans (Vietnam draft dodgers, as I recall, but I could be wrong). So there’s a track record (so to speak) of Team USA outsourcing its Olympic clothing requirements.

Ralph Lauren has now promised that all Team USA uniforms for the 2014 Winter Olympics will be manufactured in the U.S. Duh. Ralphie boy, you really should have figured that one out on your own without every wingnut Congressman pointing out your stupidity.

USA-Olympic_USA_Uniform

But the point-of-manufacture origin isn’t the biggest crime of the Team USA uniforms — it’s that goofy beret.

Nobody — and I mean nobody — looks good in a beret. Some people can get away with wearing one on occasion but nobody looks as good in a beret as they do out of a beret. Not even a Frenchman.

french-beret

 

Not even John Wayne.

john-wayne-beretjpg

So not only has Ralph Lauren gone out of his way to create a chauvinistic manufacturing crisis in the midst of mounting American job losses, he’s also gone out of his way to make American athletes look — and probably feel — silly. That’s got to cost Team USA five or six medals in the long run. How are you going to compete at your highest level as an Olympic athlete when you’ve been forced to parade in front of the world wearing a silly beret? Where were the sports psychologists in this whole design process?

silly-beret

The rest of the Team USA uniform sucks too. Ralphie is cramming those bulging-muscled athletes into the too-tight armpit-and-crotch-grabbing pants and jackets that are all the rage now.

BoySuits

It’s a ridiculous look. It makes adult men look like little boys. But maybe that’s what they want to look like. If they do, they deserve to lose.

The uniforms are just as unsuitable for women. Sure, they look fine on Ralph Lauren models. But, as far as I know, no Ralph Lauren models are actually competing in the Olympics.

beret-female-model

This is what an American Olympic athlete looks like.

FemaleWeightlifting

And this too.

sarah-robles

I just don’t see these competitors packing into the tight little outfits Ralph Lauren has made for them.

Of course, the actual Team USA performance attire is much sleeker and cooler (no berets in sight) but the damage will have already been done  long before the athletes step onto the track or dive into the pool.

Performance-uniform

Sad to say, Canada’s Olympic opening ceremony uniforms are the pits too. But at least they look a little cooler (as in not hot, not as in good looking). Unfortunately they also make every Canadian athlete look as if they have suffered serious neck wounds and are bleeding out as they parade around the Olympic stadium.

Canada-Olympic-uniform

Apart from the blood-spattered redness, the Canadian uniform looks about as stylish as those worn by Mr. Jiffy lube-job specialists.

Well, that’s my fashion statement for the year — maybe two or three years. But it had to be said. When people like Ralph Lauren make millions by dressing up athletes like poodles, they have to be called on it — or else we all end up walking around wearing silly berets and too-tight, crotch-grabbing little-boy suits. And we don’t want that to happen, do we?

beret