Archive for November 3rd, 2012

NHL Winter Classic Versus Wendy’s Classic Double Cheeseburger

- November 3rd, 2012

 

So the NHL has cancelled the Winter Classic™.

 

Big whoopti-doo™.

 

I’m shaking in my boots. I’m a jelly roll on a sheet of open ice just waiting to be slap-shotted to kingdom-come by Larry/Gary/Terry Bettman (Hmmm, who is he, anyway — stay-at-home D for the California Seals? I can’t remember.)

 

The NHL cancelling the Winter Classic™ is a lot like the guy with a gun to his own head saying “Stop or I’ll shot the hostage” — and then pulling the trigger.

 

What do I care?

 

What do you care?

 

The Winter Classic™ is all about NHL self-promotion in the American market. It’s all about bigger = better. Therefore, if 115,000 people (I won’t call them fans because that’s really not what it’s all about) actually turned out at Ann Arbor’s Michigan Stadium to watch the Leafs and Wings slug/patty-slap it out on Jan. 1, 2013, it would have meant absolutely nothing anyway.

 

It would have meant nothing in the standings. It would have meant nothing in any real, meaningful way. It would have meant nothing at all of any significance to anyone who cared at all about hockey. But it would have mattered to the NHL because they could say, “115,000 watched an NHL game.”

 

So freakin’ what? The NHL Winter Classic™ has all the drama and meaning of an NFL Pro Bowl game and we all know where that’s going — down the Toilet Bowl™.

 

Don’t believe me?

 

Do a reality check.

 

Who played in the 2012 Winter Classic™? What was the final score? What difference did it make?

 

I think everybody knows (maybe, more or less, sorta) when the first NHL “Classic” was played because it was (maybe, more or less, sorta) novel and exciting  — in 2008 between Buffalo and Pittsburgh at Ralph Wilson Stadium. I vaguely remember that the Penguins won but I could be wrong. It matters so little that I’m not even going to look it up.

 

Unless you’re an obsessive idiot, I doubt you know what the outcomes of the 2009, 2010 or 2011  games were . Or even where they were played.

 

For the record — just to justify this headline — I’m going to tell you a little bit about Wendy’s Classic Double Cheeseburger.

 

It has two beef patties which weigh about 337 grams and, combined with all other ingredients and the bun, provide about 750 calories of pure, delicious energy — roughly one-third of a normal person’s daily calorie requirements and almost half of one’s recommended daily cholesterol intake, according to the Mayo Clinic.

 

So if you want something completely non-essential, something that benefits neither you nor the game of hockey in any way, something that does have some degree of questionably life-sustaining value, then choose the Classic Double Cheeseburger.

 

And don’t worry about the NHL Winter Classic™. It’s just more dead meat.