50 Fearless Predictions For 2012

- December 27th, 2011

 

I’ve never bragged about it, but I have a real gift for seeing into the future.

 

Want proof? I haven’t invested in the U.S. real estate market or Greek government bonds in recent years and I have never flown on an airplane that has crashed (while I was on it).

 

I’ve decided to share my vision of the coming year with you; and I guarantee that just as many of my predictions will come true as those of many more famous psychics, seers and prophets.

 

Here’s a link to a psychic clearinghouse of 2012 predictions if you want to keep score.

 

I also guarantee that some of my predictions will be as outlandish and unbelievable  as any predictions you might read in the supermarket magazines over the next week or two.

 

You may laugh (I actually hope you do, at least a few times) but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Here goes nothing.

 

 

I PREDICT:

Exploding-world

1. The world will NOT end on Dec. 21, 2012, the date some kooks, charlatans and deluded dupes say the Mayan Long Count Calendar foretells as the end of time. (How can I miss on this one? If I’m wrong, no one will be around to point fingers.)

 

Harold-Camping

2. I predict, however, that the world WILL end in 2012 for doomsday forecaster Harold Camping. Not for the rest of the world, mind you — just for 90-year-old Harold. I know that sounds harsh and vindictive toward an old geezer but don’t forget crazy Harold claimed twice — twice! — in 2011 that the Apocalypse was knocking on heaven’s door and most of the rest of us were going to hell. (Harold blew both his  shots at predicting the world’s end, so I get two shots at predicting Harold Camping’s end if I happen to have misinterpreted the timing of his demise on this first occasion.)

 

jon-bon-jovi

3. Jon Bon Jovi will NOT die in 2012 (or in 2011, for that matter).

 

4. A celebrity you thought was already dead WILL die.

Kim-Jong-Il-corn

5. Kim Jong-il will be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize — just for dying.

 

kim-kardashian-glasses

6. Kim Kardashian will be offered the dictatorship of North Korea but will turn the job down because it doesn’t pay as well as unreality TV. (Or maybe she’ll try it out for 72 days, then cancel. She’s certainly got the sunglasses thing — and the attitude — going on.)

 

bradley_cooper

7. People magazine will see the error of its ways and declare someone (anyone!) other than Bradley Cooper “Sexiest Man Alive.”

 

George-Clooney

8. That person will NOT be George Clooney (in 2012, anyway).

 

britney

9. Britney Spears will get married again in 2012, just to see if anyone cares. No one will except Jason Alexander. Whether or not this one lasts longer than 55 hours (the duration of her 2004 marriage to Jason Alexander) … well, does it really matter?

 

10. Ben & Jerry will unveil a new ice cream flavour. ( Hard to beat “Schweddy Balls’’ — their September 2011 tribute to Alec Baldwin.)

charlie_sheen_winning

11. Charlie Sheen will officially become Last Year’s Flavour.

 

ashton

12. Ashton Kutcher will be, by general consensus, Last Year’s Non-Flavour.

 

selena-gomez-justin-bieber

13. Justin Bieber will secretly hope in 2012 that someone (anyone!) else claims he is capable of fathering a child.

 

14. More baby boys born in 2012 will be named Justin than Charlie and Ashton combined.

 

madonna-biceps

15. Madonna‘s biceps will calcify.

 

16. Someone on the payroll of the 2012 winning Super Bowl team will be named Bubba.

 

17. Commissioner Bud Selig will say or do something to embarrass Major League Baseball — but he probably won’t realize what he’s done.

 

keon67

18. The Toronto Maple Leafs will not win the Stanley Cup.

 

19. The Montreal Canadiens will not win the Stanley Cup.

 

20. The Ottawa Senators will not win the Stanley Cup.

 

21. The Winnipeg Jets will not win the Stanley Cup.

 

22. The Calgary Flames will not win the Stanley Cup.

 

23. The Edmonton Oilers will not win the Stanley Cup.

 

24. The Vancouver Canucks will … dang, crystal ball just went fuzzy … NOT win the Stanley Cup.

 

obama-sad

25. Barack Obama will be re-elected president of the United States.

 

26. The U.S. will not be a better place because Obama is re-elected.

 

27. The world will not be a better place because Obama is re-elected.

 

28. Neither the U.S. nor the world would be a better place if Obama’s Republican opponent were to be elected president.

 

vlad-putin

29. Vladimir Putin will become president of Russia again in 2012 (note that I didn’t say “be elected”).

 

30. The world will be a worse place because Putin is re-presidented.

 

31. The names Gates, Buffett and Walton will appear on the 2012 list of richest people in the world.

 

32. Steve Jones will not be the host of X-Factor USA for the 2012 season.

 

simon-cowell-tongue

33. Simon Cowell will cry like a baby on live TV.

 

(I’m probably batting .500 on #32 and #33. I’ll wait until next year’s predictions to tell you there will be no third season of X-Factor USA.)

 

Higgs-boson

34. The Vatican will begin the canonization process for the Higgs boson.

 

35. London, England, will be the #1 tourist destination in the world during the month of August.

 

36. Either China or the United States will win the most medals at the 2012 Summer Olympics.

 

37. At some point during 2012, more than 200 people in Toronto will realize that their city is hosting the 42nd Chess Olympiad in 2016.

 

gaga-on-stage

38. Bob Dylan will tour in 2012. So will Lady Gaga.

 

Elvis-jumpsuit

39. Elvis will not (although his 1973 white jumpsuit WILL go on tour. Really).

Stephen-Harper

40. Stephen Harper will improve his Dr. Evil impression in 2012.

michael-myers

41. Mike Myers will improve his Stephen Harper impression.

 

42. Dalton McGuinty will waste billions of taxpayer dollars in 2012 but you will still like him.

 

43. Stephen Harper will save billions of taxpayer dollars in 2012 but you will still dislike him.

 

44. Stephen King will publish a best-selling novel.

 

45. You and I will not (but we could if we really wanted to, right?)

 

Steven-Spielberg

46. Steven Spielberg will direct at least one movie that garners at least two Academy Award nominations.

 

47. You and I? Not a chance (no, not even a teensy one).

 

48. Rob Ford will forget his own name at least once during 2012. (Prove me wrong.)

 

Beach-Boys

49. The Beach Boys will reunite in 2012 for a new album and a 50-date world tour to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their first album. (Harold Camping will not be invited to attend, but Brian Wilson will still hear Harold’s voice in his head while singing “Run Devil Run.”)

 

2012

50. To make up for all the bad things that are going to happen to us during 2012, we’re going to get a free extra day — just out of the blue. I predict this is going to happen in late February, possibly early March. (Even Harold Camping is going to get the bonus day as long as he promises not to predict Armageddon again before then.)

 

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

 

Now here are five serious 2012 predictions you can take to the bank (unless you live in Greece or Italy — in which case you can stuff these predictions in your mattress or take them to a bank in Switzerland):

 

1. The Euro crisis will continue.

 

2. The price of oil will decline.

 

3. The price of wheat will increase.

 

4. China’s economy will slow down.

 

5. You and I will get older (if we’re lucky — or maybe unlucky, depending on how much of  the world’s bad 2012 kharma rubs off on us).

 

 

Categories: News

Subscribe to the post

5 comments

  1. Mike says:

    great list, Al. You didn’t mention whether the Leafs coach will be back or who would get better ratings fighting to run Leafs games, their owners at TSN or their owners at Sportsnet. Merry X

  2. alan.parker says:

    Ah, Mike, those kind of nuggets you have to pay for. Come around to my tent after the show and we’ll se what we can work out over a pack of tarot cards and a nice cup of “special” tea.
    Alan

  3. Brian Landon says:

    Great list!!

    And the photos! Especially that one of Madonna! She sure looks like a meth addict to me! lol

  4. Steve Tierney says:

    Enlightening and enjoyable stuff, Alan, but did you have to bring up Brittany Spears? I had almost completely forgotten about her and her trailer-trash-with-money ways!

  5. Roy Baty says:

    You could be wrong on Obama. I think his chances of losing are higher than winning, However, if by some chance Newt gets the GOP ticket, Obama will be re-elected and as you predict, we’ll all be screwed.

Leave a comment

 characters available