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He’s Got Bette Davis Eyes

Alan Parker - April 20th, 2012

And he’ll tease you, he’ll unease you,

All the better just to please you.

He’s precocious and he knows

Just what it takes to make a pro blush.

He’s got Greta Garbo standoff sighs.

He’s got Bette David eyes.

— with apologies to Kim Carnes, Donna Weiss and the fabulous Jackie DeShannon

The eyes are the window of the soul, so the saying goes.

If that’s true, then the NDP’s new leader has a very steely soul.

I’m talking about the TV ads that are currently bombarding us with images of this guy with eyes that spark and flash and burn with zeal — but not in a good way. No, it’s more shining like the eyes of a steel shark circling in for the kill. Hard, merciless, heartless.

Now I’m sure Tom Mulcahy … sorry, Thomas Mulcair … (sure it’s not Tomas Mulroney?) … whatever his name is … isn’t really that kind of guy. He’s probably warm and cuddly and sweet. Just ask the other people who ran for the leadership of the New Democratic Party. I’m sure they’ll tell you what a sweet, warm, cuddly guy he is. Really.

But I see these ads running on TV now and all I can think is, “He’s got Bette Davis eyes.”

Don’t get me wrong: I like Bette Davis. Thomas Mulcair? Ehhh — don’t really know yet. I’ve never met the guy. (And I can tell in five face-to-face minutes whether someone — anyone — is genuine, a sleaze or an out-and-out psycho danger to society.)

But he’s got Bette Davis eyes.

And they’re cold. And hard. And calculating. And self-serving. And cold. (Did I say that already?) And self-serving. (I’m sure I said that one.)

Not that Bette Davis was a saint but, jeesh, she never wanted to run a country.

So let’s look a little closer and see what we deduce.

Hmmm, so far it’s a tie. How are they with a drink in hand?

Oh, Bette wins this one by a mile. I’m with The Maltese Falcon’s Kasper Gutman when he says, “I distrust a man who says ‘when.’ If he’s got to be careful not to drink too much, it’s because he’s not to be trusted when he does. “

But how about sex? Not right now, thanks, I’m busy. I mean what if you punch in “Thomas Mulcair sexy” for a Google image search? What do you get?

Well, you get this.

Not really sexy in my books, but what do I know.

And you also get this.

And this.

Hmmm. Politics makes for strange bedfellows.

Try Googling “Bette Davis sexy” and you get this.

Well, I think Bette wins again.

But then I tried “Thomas Mulcair kiss” and got this (among other things).

Mulcair and his wife kissing at the NDP convention. Nice. Not terribly hot, but nice.

Then I Googled “Bette Davis kiss” and got … squat. Lots of pictures of Bette Davis but hardly any actual pictures of the screen siren in an actual clinch and smooch. Of course there are a few.