First there was the iMac, then the iPod and iTunes and, more recently, the iPhone and the iPad. And with every turn of the iWheel, hundreds — no, thousands — of new apps and accessories come on the market.
Some have been brilliant and innovative. Others have been utterly useless and ridiculously self-indulgent.
Now comes the absolutely worst iAccessory ever, one so beyond belief that Apple probably never thought of getting trademark registration on it — the iPotty.
Yes, the “2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad ” as manufacturer CTA Digital puts it.
Here’s what the Brooklyn, N.Y.-based company has to say about its newest product, available online from Amazon.com for about $40 U.S. as of March 1:
“Potty training can be a challenge for even the most patient parents and one of the biggest hurdles is gaining the child’s interest and then keeping their attention long enough to properly potty train. That’s where the iPotty comes in with its unique holder for the iPad. Many young children already love playing with their parents’ iPad, and now they can safely do so with the iPotty. It provides a fun and comfortable place to sit, while learning how to use the potty, playing apps, reading books or watching video clips.”
What a mind-boggling, synapse-frying, too-indulgent-for-words, just plain stupid idea. And it will probably sell like hotcakes. CTA Digital actually issued a press release crowing about the buzz the iPotty created at the International Consumer Electronics Show (CES 2013) in Vegas last month.
Some demented souls out there right now are saying, “Damn, what a great idea — I’m gonna get me one of those things for little Henry!” Well, you deserve what you get — which is probably a baby-fist full of feces smeared all over your iPad.
Of course, the manufacturer says the iPad holder comes with “a removable touchscreen cover to guard against messy accidents and smudges.” Yuck and double yuck — “messy accidents and smudges.” That’s like calling a volcano “an upchuck of magma.”
Do you really think some flimsy little plastic cover is going to keep junior’s busy, “messy” little paws away from your iPad? Or are you so crazy that your baby has his or her very own iPad?
And any parent knows the penetrating power of a baby boy’s jet stream of urine. The manufacturer doesn’t say anything about the iPad being “vacuum-sealed to prevent any leakage of iPad-destroying liquids.”
And just exactly what is your potty-training infant using the iPad for anyway? Reading books, as the manufacturer, suggests so optimistically? Really? Your kid is reading before he or she is potty-trained? How adorable.
Well, I’ve warned you. You’ll probably go ahead and buy the iPotty anyway. It’s inevitable that putting Baby + Potty + iPad together seems like a perfectly logical concept to some people.
Those would be the same people, of course, who take their iPads and iPhones with them when they head to the bathroom.
Researchers at a couple of London universities swabbed hundreds of mobile phones in a 2011 study and found 16% were contaminated with E. coli, which Time magazine politely described in its coverage as “potentially illness-causing bacteria that is fecal in origin.”
Again, yuck and double yuck. But those are also the parents who think putting the kid on a potty with an iPad is a good idea.
And, never one to ignore a prime market, CTA Digital has another accessory for those adult iPad users: “The pedestal stand for iPad with roll holder.” That “roll” would be a roll of toilet paper, of course.
I guess the old adage is true: The road apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Whatever happened to the concept of quiet contemplation, a solitary spiritual interregnum, a relatively short but much needed respite from the travail and hurly-burly of the outside world? “Mens sana in corpore sano” — a healthy mind in a healthy body, to quote the Roman poet Juvenal.
Since we’re talking about iPads and iDiots, I think we’ll end with another quote, an appropriate one from The Smartest Guy in the World®, Albert Einstein:
“I fear the day technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.”
And those iDiots will own iPads smeared in their babies’ do-do. “Nuntius mens in regius infantem puppis” — a messy mind in a pile of baby poop.