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Dear Kate

- September 15th, 2012
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Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, during a tour stop in Singapore on Thursday. (Photo: Roslan Rahman/AFP)

Dear Kate,

We don’t know each other and have next to nothing in common, but I still wanted to use this space to warn you: The world you know is about to change.

You thought the paparazzi was bad before? Oh, just wait.

Up until now, you’ve had a few bad experiences with the media. You were hounded by paparazzi years ago until your then-boyfriend Prince William stepped in and the royal family got you a security guard. Things got better after that.

Since you announced your engagement to Prince William, you’ve been showered with adoration. Everything you do is amazing. Everything you wear is perfect. Your hair is envied by women around the world. Your life is perfect.

Yeah, about that …

You see, to some, you’re not royalty, you’re just another celebrity. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but gossip websites and magazines love seeing once-beloved celebrities at their worst. This is now going to include you.

It’s nothing you’ve done, really. It’s just that consumers of celebrity gossip are getting annoyed/bored with the false pregnancy reports and the gushing reviews of everything you wear. Many people tend to believe there has to be something wrong with you – and they’re eager to snatch up the magazine or newspaper that shows you at your worst.

So, I’m going to offer you some advice based on how I’ve seen other celebrities portrayed in the media.

- Give up your topless sunbathing ways. Forever. No place is safe. You may think you’re on a private balcony in France where no one cares who you are, but you’re wrong. They know who you are, and they’re just waiting for you to bare your breasts. And they have a camera. With a big-ass lens. William’s mother, Diana, was photographed topless. So was Sarah Ferguson (with some toe sucking as well). Harry, of course, was snapped naked in Vegas last month. You’re not the first, you won’t be the last, but let’s just avoid it all together from now on.

- You really need to prepare yourself for the worst. You thought the constant false pregnancy reports were annoying – get ready because more false reports are on the way. You’ll read horrible things that aren’t true – you eat kittens, you hate Dr. Who, your marriage is in shambles, Wills is cheating, you’re giving birth to Bat Boy etc.

If you have cellulite, it will be photographed during a beach vacation. If you make a weird face, it will appear on gossip websites around the world.

And while you’re seen by some as a fashion icon, some people are going to start criticizing what you’re wearing, saying it’s not pretty enough, it’s too cheap, it’s ugly, you should have known better. You’ll end up on those “Who wore it best” pages or a target of the fashion police.

- Keep smiling. You’re good at it. You like nice when you smile. Don’t smirk. If you smile, people will say, “Look how strong she is despite that report about how she’s having sex with her bodyguard.” If you smirk, they’ll say, “Look at that smirk – she’s totally banging her bodyguard.”

- The biggest piece of advice: Ignore it if you can. It won’t be easy, but ignoring it might be the only thing that keeps you sane.

Also know, you can’t control the media, so stop trying.

Signed,

Blogger Kate

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10 comments

  1. jr janzen | September 18, 2012 at 8:10 am

    The irony of it all! Kate is plastered in every cheap rag on the planet for being a loving (and sexual) wife to her husband, but there’s not a peep when 3 buxom, bare-breasted Samoan beauties stand next to her! Talk about double standards in the Press!

  2. Jon | September 18, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Dumb ass photographers taking pictures from remote locations should be jailed as peeping toms. If this person had photographed a child he would be being hunted down as a pedophile, who knows what these people have in their private collections. These people are the scum of the earth and the staff who edit these and print them and the losers who buy the magazines they supply are just as sick. This is not news and an insult to real journalists who risk their lives to take pictures of real issues.

  3. Jeannine | September 18, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Why don’t everybody leave the Royals alone? They are human being like us and they have a heart too. So stop hurting them, and leave them alone. Papparazi the ones who keep photographing them should lose their jobs.
    I’m just saying….

  4. Robert Moore | September 18, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Hello Blogger Kate;

    By choosing to make this an open letter, you are almost certainly convinced that your comments are wise and profound … and they quite obviously do contain full measure of common-sense. (I mean, how foolish for such a media darling to expose herself to the 4 winds and then to squawk at being photographed?)

    But they also represent a total resignation to the power of the media – and more generally, to the rights of Authority to know – that I find very chilling indeed. In this particular instance, little is at stake, but individual privacy is a valuable commodity, and Authority’s interests DO NOT always run with the Individual’s. So, the general tendency towards the decay of the right to privacy is something that should be strenuously opposed, don’t you think? In some sense, the US Supreme Court got it wrong when they voted to permit people in public to be photographed without their consent!

    To me, the correct legal response to this challenge of the Media’s rights to publish would be (a) to find for Kate (perhaps with a behest to behave with more circumspection), and (b) to levy massive punitive damages against the publishing paper(s) to send the message that, however much these pictures might earn through their publication, it will be a fraction of the costs that may be incurred! Perhaps the punitive damages could awarded with a suggestion that they be turned over to breast cancer research. ;-)

    Anyway, judging by your very well-written “snidery”, I suspect that we share what is probably a widespread contempt for celebrity and for the keys it provides to enter its Never-Never Land of plenty – not to mention the public’s voracious appetite for gossip- but let’s not lose sight of the evils of the loss of individual privacy.

    Cheerio.

    Robert

  5. Paul | September 18, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Very good advice. A shame there’s little hope it’ll be followed.

  6. Larissa | September 18, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Dear “Blogger Kate,”

    Tell me you are not serious! Who the hell are YOU, making you an expert on celebrity life and how to live it?! No one cares about your advice to the Duchess, I think she’s doing just fine without you. SHe can sunbathe topless if she wants, she probably KNOWS to ignore the media, and I don’t think she is trying to control it. Get a life, LIVE it, and let other people live theirs. Thanks.

  7. Brenda | September 18, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    Wow, jealous a little. This article sounds like “Kate Schwass Bueckert” is a little green eyed. Don’t you think the Princess knew this when she signed up? But I’m sure she’s grateful for your commoner insight

  8. Daniel | September 18, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    Excellent!!

  9. Peter | September 18, 2012 at 11:25 pm

    Blogger Kate

    You are an idiot! Stick to loving Corgis and get a real hobby, royal watching is a waste of time. You are the paparazzi. How can you think you are in any way above them? Get a real job!

  10. Deborah | September 19, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    KATE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO GO TOPLESS – CAMERA’S ARE EVERYWHERE! GO TOPLESS IN YOUR BATHROOM NOT THE BALCONY.

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